Today I Am Grateful For......

Today I am grateful for my mother and father. To me, they are truest examples of Christ. They are giving, thoughtful, caring, serving, etc, etc.

Growing up, I always found my mom working on a project that was always for a friend, neighbor, or family member. At Christmas, she baked and baked and would make plates of treats for neighbors and friends. She would make all of our Halloween costumes and my sister and I matching dresses for different occasions. She was thinking of others and how she could serve others. I knew I could always count on her to be there for me as well as anyone else. She taught me that whenever I am struggling with something that is hard in my life, to remember that there is someone who is struggling harder. She also taught me to throw myself into serving others to forget about my own worries.

My father is also a perfect example of service. Growing up, he was gone alot because of traveling for work. But he was always gone alot because he was constantly helping someone with one thing or another. He has always put others first. Whether it be my mother, his children, neighbor, or friend. If somebody needed a Priesthood blessing, it didn't matter what time of night it was, he would go. If we needed to be taken someplace or picked up from somewhere, it didn't matter how tired he was, he would do it. He has this calm way of talking to you that is quite intimidating and if you disappointed him, you knew it. He is one of the hardest working people that I know and drop anything for someone that needs his help.

I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful, amazing people in my life. The have made me into the person that I am today. They have been the most incredible example of not being judgemental. They taught us that no matter how different another individual is from us, we were to love them and befriend them and treat them how we would like to be treated. I know I probably didn't live that standard all the time growing up, but I know now how important that is.

I could not have asked for two better people to raise me and love me. Thanks Mom and Dad!! I love you!!!

Today I Am Grateful For.......

I am grateful for my AMAZING husband, Jonathan. He is an incredibe person. He is a hard worker at his job. He also works hard at school so he can do well and get into a job he will enjoy doing.

I have been married to this man for 12 years and, although is hasn't been perfect, I would never trade in that time. We have been through so much together. He had back surgery 6 months after we were married. We have moved several times until we found our perfect starter home. We have bought a cute little dog together that we both love and adore. And we have also struggled with our infertility problems together.

But through it all, we have grown closer and stronger. Our love for each other has grown to a point where it knows no bounds. I am grateful to know that I will be sealed to this wonderful person and my best friend for the rest of my life and beyond. I couldn't have chosen a better mate. I love you, Johnny Boy!!!

Today I Am Grateful For......

Today I am GRATEFUL for AMAZING FRIENDS. This last year has been very up and down for us.

March I had sinus surgery. I had wonderful friends who brough me dinner, lunch, treats, came to vist, etc., etc.

April we started down the road of IVF. We had amazing friends who prayed and fasted for us. Let us know how much they love us and were thinking of us.

In May, Jon graduated Cum Laude from SLCC and we had several friends congratulate him. We even had some friends who decided we needed to go to dinner to celebrate.

In July, we started the IVF process. We had several friends wanting to know updates and status reports. Friends who prayed and fasted for us. During the 2 week wait after our embryo transfer, we had dinners, movies, snacks, visitor's, etc., etc. When the IVF failed, we had friends who hugged us and told us they loved us. Listened to us vent and cry and be bitter that things weren't fair.

I am grateful because through out all of these experiences and more, we/I have expanded my circle of friends. I have grown closer to people that I never thought, in a million years, that I would ever be close to. These wonderful people make sure I feel loved, cared for, and that I'm happy. They love me unconditionally and don't judge me when I make silly mistakes or say stupid things. They are in-tune with the Spirit and happen to know when I need some cheering up. I am so gratedul for these wonderful women and men. I am truly blessed and I could not have asked for better people to be put into my life at this moment.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Date Night With Max

This post is a little late, but I wanted to get these pictures up.

So, about a week ago, Jon's brother George and wife, Ashley needed a date night. Ashley sent me an email asking if we would be willing to watch Max for a few hours. I was ECSTATIC!!! Actually, she contacted us about 2 weeks before so I had two weeks to look forward to a night with Jon and Max. However, at the last minute, Jon went to the University of Utah game with our friend RJ so I got Max all to myself. It was a great night. He is sitting up on his own pretty well, so I sat him on the floor and he LOVED having Dixie run around him and lick his fingers. He has the most contagious smile as well. He started getting a little hungry, so I fed him some squash. Ashley has been making her own baby food which I think is AWESOME. So I sat Max in his Bumbo on my kitchen counter, put his bib on him, and then we went to town. It was kind of fun to feed him because his mouth would be full and he would open it for more food. Once he was done with that, I cleaned him up and we played some more. He LOVES mirrors. So I think we spent a good half hour in front of my hallway mirror. Then he started getting tired so I was able to put him down for a short nap. When he woke, I changed his diaper and then we played some more before I gave him his bottle. I sat him on the floor to play with Dixie and I popped in a disc from Mad Men. That kid's eyes were glued to the TV. So we sat and watched Mad Men and played with this toys before his momma and daddy came to get him. It was such a fun evening and I hope I get another chance to watch him again.

Max chillin' in our recliner.

Such a happy boy.

Tired boy

Floods, Homework, and General Conference

So this last week we have had several plumbing problems in our house. First, the dishwasher was not draining. Our kitchen really stunk and we couldn't figure out why until we opened the dishwasher. It has not drained afte Jon did the dishes. So he had to fix that. Then our washer wouldn't drain and he had to fix that. On top of all of this, Jon has been working on midterms and has been in the process of writing to essays for his classes. He had taken this past Tuesday and Thursday off so he could work on them. After getting our plumbing problems fixed, we felt like we had finally gotten all of our trials behind us. Not only that, the coming weekend was conference which is one my favorite times of year. What else could possibly go wrong??

Then Friday rolled around. I was up working in my office and Jon had the morning off so he didn't have to go in until 9. I had started a load of laundry on my break so I could get my laundry for week caught up. Jon was getting ready to leave for work. When he walked into the hallway, he asked me where all the water was coming from. I asked him what water. He told me that the carpet was soaking wet. So I walked out of my office (my office, bedrooms, bathroom, and washer and dryer are on the top floor) to see what he was talking about. Then we noticed that the hose that goes from the washer into the wall that drains the water had slipped out and water was draining everywhere. I guess the draining problem was fixed. So I grabbed a bunch of towels to start soaking things up when Jon asked if the water had leaked down to the kitchen. I ran down the stairs and sure enough, the kitchen was flooded as well. I called off work for the rest of the day and went to work getting everything cleaned up. The ironic thing, is I was washing towels.

We used up every single towel we had and I ended up calling neighbors for extra towels and box fans so we could get the carpets dry. Then we pulled out the washer and dryer so we could mop up all the water underneath. I just started crying. Jon had to leave for work and I was left to cleaning everything up my own. The leaking finally stopped and I spent a better part of my day drying towels just to get them wet again. A friend brought me lunch and another stopped by to visit which helped me get my mind off of things. Another called just to check in on me and was so sweet to listen to my woes.

I was in the process of finding someone with a shop vaccuum when my father in-law came to the rescue. He said that he had two shop vac's and as soon as he got off work, he would come over and start sucking up the water. We were able to salvage the carpet for now and he said when everything was completely dry, he would come over and shampoo my carpets for me. I am truly blessed. He also helped us hook up the washer and put everything back in place. We thought our troubles were over. We were in for another small surprise.

Saturday morning, I woke up early to go to my nephews football game and Jon stayed hom to work on his essays. When I came home, I noticed that the ceiling in our kitchen was caving. Jon ended up cutting a few holes to start airing the ceiling out. At this point, we realized we would have to file an insurance claim and I was not looking forward to having a work crew come in redo my whole kitchen ceiling. When we were visiting with some friends that night, our friend, Jared, said that he could most likely help us with our problem. He talked about we would have to do and that it sounded like a simple job. I was so happy to hear this that I started crying tears of happiness. He said it was no big deal.

All weekend, Jon has been working on these essays and almost decided not to go to the Priesthood session of conference. He was just so overwhelmed and stressed. finve minutes to six, he got dressed and went. When he came home, you could just tell that he felt happier that he had gone.

Today, we stayed home, listened/watched conference. I did laundry, organized my dresser, made pasta and chicken salads and just chilled. It was a very relaxing day. I'm glad that I just took the day to relax and listen to the leaders of our church. It was important to me that I took that time and I felt like I heard things that I needed to hear. It also made me think that after all the disasters that we have gone through in the last couplre of months, we have had friends and family who have been willing to help us out and come to our rescue. I am so grateful for these small blessings.

Judge Not

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Theresa

Last night was the General Relief Society Broadcast and President Monson gave a wonderful talk on Charity. What I really love about his talk were he thoughts on being judgemental.

One of the stories he shared was of a woman who complained to her husband every time their neighbot put her clothes out to dry. She would complain that this woman did not know how to clean her laundry well enough. One day, as she looked out the window to watch her neighbor put her clothes out, she exclaimed how clean they were and that her neighbor finally learned how to do her laundry. Her husband responded that he had awoke early that morning and cleaned their windows.

So President Monson posed that question as to how clean are our windows??

I liked this because it really made me think about the times I have judged other's too harshly. Did I give them the chance to explain their actions? Did I try to see in some people what others saw in them?

I discussed this with Jon and he kind of turned it around on me. I can be pretty self conscious and not the most out going person. When I have a hard time getting to know someone, I tend to put myself down with the idea that they wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me. Jon had explained that not only was I judging the other party, I was judging myself. I have never looked at it that way. I also realized that not only was I not giving the other person a chance, I wasn't giving myself a chance.

I have also learned from President Monson's words was that we should be tolerant and lenient of others. I find this very important because we never know what someone else might be dealing with at some point in their lives. People will always make mistakes and at one point or another, will do something that will upset us. However, it is our responsibility to be forgiving. We should also try to look for the good in others no matter their outside appearance. Someone may be crippled, diseased, deformed, etc. on the outside, but that doesn't mean that their heart is.

I am so glad that I went to this meeting. It gave me the spiritual boost that I needed and I feel very rejuvenated.

What It's All About

So, lately, I have really been struggling with our IVF fail. Plus all the other things that piled on top of us after that. We are just barely starting to get out of our rut. Jon is going back school which give him something to focus on. He also going to physical therapy for his back. And he working full time. So he is a busy guy. I, on the other hand, have my job, our little dog, Dixie, and my new calling at church. Ward Choir President. Plus, I run the book club for our Relief Society. I've also started exercising. Now you would think all those things would keep me fairly busy and focused. Yet, I wasn't feeling the satisfaction. In fact, a friend at church asked me what I needed and I replied, " Something good to happen in my life." I know, not very positive. Also, sounding very selfish.

So, the other day, I was at a friends house watching TV. We have a show we both love and then one she got me addicted to. As I was sitting there, it gave me some time to reflect. And I realized.......this is what life is all about. Spending time with those you love and who love you. Whether it be family, friends, etc. Since then, I have thought about all the good things in my life and all of the blessings that I have.

Here is my list:

- The Gospel
- My Testimony
- My husband....who works so hard at school and his job
- My little dog who keeps me going
- Wonderful friends who make me want to be a better person and who look out for us
- 5 sisters and 3 brothers
- My parents and Jon's parents
- 4 nieces and 3 nephews
- Playing with my nephew, Max
- My musical talents
- Being able to read so I can fill my mind with good things
- A home
- My job
- My girl parties every week to watch our favorite tv shows
- My health
- My frozen embryo
- Being able to visit with my grandmother each week
- Knowing if I have a problem, I have lots of people I can rely on
- The means to meet our need each week and month
- Tithing

And I'm sure there are so many more that I haven't thought of. I have realized that I am a lot more fortunate than some and I need to remember that. Does that make my trials easier??? Not necessarily. But it helps. I have so much to be thankful for.

Support Group

O.kay.....here's the deal. I used to think that support groups were hoakey and dumb. I thought they were only for people who were alcoholics or drug addicts. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in a circle with a bunch of people I don't know and talk about my 'feelings'. I had made up my mind that I would never join a support group because I already had all the support I needed, ie. friends, family, etc.

A friend of mine was telling me about this online support group for infertility. She told me that there were all these women who posted online about what they were experiencing with their infertility and that every situation was different. I would say, "Oh. That's nice. But I don't think that's for me." She said it had really helped her to get through the bad times because all of these women understood what she was going through. And I would think that I really didn't need anything like that at all. I was not going to give up my pride.

The last few weeks I have really been struggling with my emotions about the IVF not working. I was just stuck in this rut that I couldn't get out of. So what did I do???? I emailed this friend for the web link of this group, I decided to give it a few days and if I really hated it I could just quit. Isn't that what our parents used to say when they encouraged us to do something that we thought we would really hate?? They would say we could always quit and it would be o.kay, right?? Our parents were pretty sneaky and sly because they knew we would love it. That's what happened to me. I signed up for this group and I LOVE IT!!!!

It is so freeing and therapeutic. I can read about different experiences and post my own experiences. I can vent all I want and these women get it and completely understand. They comment with advice and support and just positive thoughts. And I think I like it better than face to face. I never thought I would.

Now....this doesn't replace my friends, family, the Gospel, or Heavenly Father. But it definitely helps. It makes me feel like what I am feeling and going through is normal. I feel normal!!

IVF Follow-Up

Yesterday, we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Heiner. This was very emotional for both of us. I was doing pretty good all day until I walked into his office. I just broke down and cried. He was very empathetic as well as disappointed that things had not worked out in our favor. We told us that we deserved things to work for us. Everything went very smoothly. I reacted to the medications, I produced several eggs and out of 23 eggs, we got 3 good embryos.

He explained that the reason IVF didn't work this time was the genetics of the embryos and assured us that it had nothing to do with either one of us. He exlpained the sometimes the genes of the embryo whe fertilize won't aloow it to develop or it just doesn't have the right genes. He explained that this is very common and that women who ARE able to get pregnant, don't get pregnant every month because of this reason. This made sene to me and answered alot of our questions. It made me feel even better that it has nothing to do with me. Some embryos just don't stick. I asked if this could be a problem with our frozen embryo and he said it's possible. Unfortunately, we won't know until we try. That is where faith comes in.

Where we are at now:
We have a 5 cell embryo in frozen storage that made it to day 6 and blasotcyst. This means this one embryo made it further than the two transfered. The definition of a blastocyst is - an embryo that has developed for five to seven days after fertilization and has developed 2 distinct cell types and a central cavity filled with fluid (blastocoel cavity). The cells in a blastocyst have just started to differentiate. The surface cells that surround the cavity (just under the outer shell) are called the trophectoderm and will later develop into the placenta. The more centrally located group of cells are called the inner cell mass and will become the fetus. So, this embryo is further developed.

Also, this frozen embryo was of poor quality on the day they transfered the other two embryos and was not expected to make it. So, it's a fighter. It went from 'poor' to 'good' in three days. However, our success rate with a frozen embryo is 40% and the success of it surviving the thaw is 30%. Not very high ratings, however I have read and heard success stories of frozen embryos working. If we choose, the soonest we can start again is November which gives us some time to pray and think about our next step. We have not decided that this is when we will try again. We have alot of things to take into consideration. It will also cost less and the medications won't be so hard on my body.

We are feeling more positive after our follow-up. Our doctor was very encouraging and told us after what we have just gone through, we can handle anything. This has been a very emotional rollercoaster, as you can imagine. We are more aware of the risks and the odds and I think we can be more prepared for either outcome. However, we are not giving up. It still hurts and the feelings are still very close to the surface. But we know that we have a great support team and several prayers floating around.

We have come to the decision, that going forward, we are going to keep our next round very private. I will not be blogging or posting anything on Facebook. This was actually a very easy decision for us to make. On top of dealing with a negative result, it was just as hard to spread that news to all of our family and friends and see them hurt just as much as we were.

We want each of you to know how grateful we are for you friendship, prayers, and thoughts. We know that you are rooting for us and that means the world to us. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives. We know that we have alot of people who love us and care about us and I know we could not have come as far as we did without a lot of you.

I am so grateful for my testimony and the Gospel. I'm grateful for my faith and the knowledge that we are not alone in all of this. That has been a great strength to me through out all of this.

We love you all.

Good-Bye August.....Hello September

Today is the last day of August and I am bittersweet about this month ending. This has probably been the longest month of my life. It has also probably been one of the hardest in a very long time. As many of you know, this month started off with the terrible news of our first round of IVF not working. This pretty much started a snowball effect.

We found out that both cars need repairs. Mine needs a new belt and the truck needs two new tires. Also, because we live in a community with an HOA, we are required to restain our deck a new color. This wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't stained two years ago and are now being asked to redo it a new color. This just kind of added to the stress. Then, our dryer went out last week. On top of that, I received a note from my OB/GYN stating if I cancel an appointment without a 24 hour notice, I'll be charged $75. Background: I had an exam scheduled during our IVF treatment and it was right after the embryo transfer. I didn't feel it wise to go to this exam because I wasn't sure how that would affect the transfer. So I cancelled and obviously waited too long. On top of everything else, I started getting sick yesterday.

Now some of this may seem petty and silly to be frustrated about. However, when your month starts off hard to begin with, everything else seems just a little bit worse than it is. This is why I am happy to have August done and over with and start with a new leaf tomorrow, September 1st.

However, August has brought alot of sweet things into our life. Here is the list:

- Just hours and days after finding out IVF didn't work this time, we had some amazimg support. IE: email, text, treats and dinners brought by, gifts, hugs, phone calls, thinking of you cards, etc.
- My sister, brother, and sister in-law were able to come for a short visit. And it was perfect timing.
- The first meeting of book club. And it was a huge success and has now given me so many more book club meetings to look forward too.
- Attending our nephew's first football game of the year and seeing them win.
- Going to dinner with friends.
- Receiving my book, Mockingjay.
- Celebrating our niece's 5ht birthday. Happy Birthday, Mandy!!
- Attending the Relief Society Talent Auction.
- Jon starting school.
And so many more things I'm sure I'm not mentioning.

Now, tomorrow is September 1st which means a new month and a new chance to start fresh. And it gives me some things to look forward to.

- Our follow-up appointment with Dr. Heiner.
- Book club where we will be reading God's Smuggler.
- The start of Fall
- Hopefully, the weather getting cooler where long walks will be more enjoyable.
- More football games, little league along with Ute Football

And I'm sure there are so many more blessings on the horizon. I am determined to make September a good month. I know that I will have alot to look forward to as the year is closely coming to an end and I think tomorrow is a good day to start off on.

My Fun Siblings

On the weekend of August 13th thru the 16th, Jon and I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time with my sister, brother and sister in-law, who were visiting from Florida. It was just a quick trip but definitely worth it. That Friday, the 13th, we went to dinner at Wingers and headed back to our place from movies and games. We were up very late.


The next day, Jon had to be at work very early in the morning, so I rode the Trax to downtown and spent all day with Brenda, Scott, and Liz. We had dinner at the Lion House cafe. Jon doesn't like it so the only time I get to eat there is when my family is visiting. After that, Scott and Liz did a session at the Salt Lake Temple and Brenda and I walked all over downtown. We shopped at Deseret Book, went to the North and South visitor center's on Temple Square, and then sat on the plaza between the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and Temple Square. We just sat and visited and counted how many couples were getting married. I think we lost count. But we had lots of fun admiring the different wedding dresses. Jon met us for dinner and we went to Haggerman's Bakery for sandwich's. Then Jon headed home while the rest of us walked down to The Gateway and shopped at Barnes and Noble. Because, you know, they only have Barnes and Noble in Utah (ha ha). We went back to my house and stayed up until midnight playing games. My family is really in to playing games.


On Sunday, Scott ad Liz went to church with us and afterwards, we headed to my Grandma's for a family dinner. I had a great time visiting with my cousin's that I don't see very often ad I think my Grandma enjoyed seeing everyone. But tired out quickly. My Grandpa kept up his yard very well and since his passing, my Uncle Kim has taken over and has done the yard justice. So, we took the opportunity to have him take some family pictures of Jon and I and the sibs. They came out really well, I think.


Monday was our last evening together. We met at The Gateway for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen and then walked down to Barnes and Noble again. Because if you remember, there isn't a Barnes and Noble anywhere else in the US. The sibs had to catch a 10 o'clock flight, so, we said our good-bye's and parted ways. It was hard to say good-bye, but it was time to get back to our routine., They came to visit at the perfect time and the visit was very much needed. I hope to see them again soon.

My cute sisters!!! Liz and Brenda

Brenda and the Christus

Jon and Sally

The Siblings

Scott and Liz

Scott, Brenda, and Liz

The Tippetts Kids

Sisters

Brothers

Scott and Liz

Difficult News

On July 25th, we had two cute, little embryos implanted into my uterus to grow. Two weeks from the day, we went in for our pregnancy test and received the phone call we had been dreading. The test came back negative. Jon kept asking what our next step was and the nurse told us to take our time to allow things to sink in and grieve and when we were ready, Dr. Heiner would do a free consult with us to decide our next steps. We do have another embryo frozen waiting for us, so we will try again. We just don't know when. Maybe in a few months or in a year or two.

This last week, before finding out, was the hardest week of my life. I cried everyday and started spotting. The spotting really freaked me out. But I think at the point, I realized this probably wasn't going to work. But I didn't want to believe it. So I continuted to be positive. We even went to the temple and went to church yesterday to aprtake of the scrament. That's where we heard the news. When I look back, we probably should have stayed home, but I knew we needed to take the scrament and renew our covenants with our Heavenly Father. As soon as we were off the phone, we mad a bee line for the front door. I knew if we got stopped, I would lose it right there on the spot.

As soon as we got home, we both broke down. It was horrible!! We felt like someone had punched us in the gut and ripped our hearts out and did the flamenco on them. We just still couldn't believe it. I kept wondering if I did something worng or if there was something different I could have done. Of course, Jon directed his anger at the doctor. We just couldn't beleive it!! we were so sure this would work in our favor. But Heavenly Father has a different plan for us.

We proceeded to text our friends and family. I know, cowardly. I posted a message on Facebook to get the word out. People wanted to come over and comfort us and make sure we were o.kay. But we asked for our space. We need the time to comfort ourselve's before we can comfort others. So, to prevent any face to face communication, we took off in the truck for a little while. Later, we found out Jon's sister stopped by with much needed junki food. we felt bad that we missed her and hope that she forgive's us. I did take two phone calls. One from my mom, which was heartbreaking, and another from my friend, Heidi, who wanted to let me know she had been thinking of me. We also accepted a surprise visitor. Our sweet bishop, Bishop Croshaw. He brought us som homemade bread and then sat and cried with us both. He offered us some sweet words of wisdom and left our house with a prayer.

Now, some people in our place would be bitter, angry, frustrated, sad, heartbroken, emotional, and would shake their fist's to the heaven's saying, "Why?". We feel all of those things. We are very hurt and disappointed and that will take some time to heal. And I know we have a wonderful support system of family and friends that we can rely on. However, I don't regret doing this. I don't regret the shots, medications, daily ultrasounds and blood draws, or the thousand's we paid for this procedure. If we hadn't tried, I would have never known if we could do it. No it wasn't a positive outcome this round, but it was still a bridge we had to cross. Not only that, we have been extremely blessed along the way. we have developed friendships we didn't realize were there and our faith was increased. And I know when we try again, we'll have those things again including our family.

I am still hurt and angry and will start crying sporadically. But I'm only human right? I can sit here and think of all the reasons why this isn't fair and build a "crap" list. But I would rather be humble and think of all my blessings. So here they are:

I am thankful for:
My realtionships with my husband
Our parents and family
Our ward
Our friendships
To have shelter and food
Steady incomes
Jon going back to school
Our cute little dog
My faith and testimony
And most importantly, my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

We are very grateful for all of the prayers and thoughts in our behalf. We know that we have amazing family and friends who care about us and love us. we are very blessed and we know that. If you call or text and I don't reply, please don't be offended. I'm just not ready to talk yet. We are still healing. Love to you all.

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

I found this on a friends blog and it completely describe's everything I have been feeling lately.

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."

The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."

~ Anonymous

I have heard all of these comments as well as "Why spend all that money when there is no guarantee?" Or, "If you do infertility treatments, you could end up with 80 babies." This last one might sound funny but it isn't. And that I'm sure is me being overly sensitive. Although I don't think these comments are meant to be intentionally hurtful or insensitive, I know it's hard to understand something you have never experienced.

I will be the first to admit that I found it easy to joke and laugh at myself with my infertility. But once I started the treatments, I didn't find it funny anymore. It's emotional, heartbreaking, tiring, and takes a physical toll on your body. People make comments such as "better you than me" or " I don't think I could ever do that." Believe me, if you want a baby bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes. If, people in general, took a good look at their precious babies and children now and think about, "What if I had to pay thousand's of dollars, take shots everyday, have blood draws and ultrasounds everyday to get this end result?" Believe me, you would do it in a heartbeat no questions asked. However, this is not the path for everyone. This is my path and these are my feelings and I am grateful for the those who have been our support system. I am most grateful for my faith and testimony that God has a plan for each of us and this happens to be my plan.

Week of Luxury

So, my week of rest is coming to an end and it has been quite the week.

On Sunday, we had some visitors. Jamie and RJ brought me a bowl of chocolates which, unfortunately, have already been eaten. The Rebecca and Robert came over and brought me a fertility Dragonfly to put in our yard. And Jon's hometeaching companion and family brought us dinner.


On Monday, my friend Heather came over with her cute little girl and Jamie's little boy and had lunch with me. It was a great way to break up the day. That night, my sister in-law, Ashley, brought us chicken enchilada's for dinner. So yummy!! Also, on Monday night, Jamie came over to watch The Bachelorette: Men Tell All. It was a great night for fun drama.

Tuesday night, we got chinese for dinner from Jamie and RJ and then Jon and I watched Man v. Food. Not sure how I'm able to watch that while I'm eating at the same time, but we did.

On Wednesday, my friend, Amber, came over to visit and she brought me the most delicious, sinful cupcakes I have ever eaten. See picture below. After Amber left, I took my first outing with Jon to Del Taco. It felt so good to get out of the house.

Chocolate cupcakes with white chocolate chips in the middle and mint flavored frosting and mini chocolate chips on top. YUMMY!!!

On Thursday, my friend Dawnita, brought over a cake that is so rich and so good that it should not even be legal. Three layers of chocolate cake with peanut butter in between each layer and chocolate/peanut butter frosting. I could not even finish my first slice. Jon took a slice and just scraped off the frosting and could not even finish the frosting. Seriously the best cake I have ever had.That same night, Heather brought us homemade pizza and eggless cookies. I am not kidding when I say this pizza is better than take out.

The other things I have done this week is Facebook, blogging, rest, and read.

"Trash" magazines, crosswords, and books.

Watched Gilmore Girls and King of Queens. I have never seen Gilmore Girls, so my friend Heather has been letting me borrow her season's and I am now addicted.

It has been quite a week and I am sad to see it end. But we have felt so much love and kindness from so many friends that it has been overwhelming. I hope all of these people realize how much they mean to us and how grateful we are for their friendships.

2 Little Embryos Are Home

So, Thursday was the egg retrieval and they retrieved 23 eggs. Friday morning, we received a phone call to tell us these results:

5 were immature
18 were mature
ICSI was done on 18, but 7 didn't fertilize and 1 just disentegrated
10 fertilized

They said they would call us on day 3, which is today the 25th, to give us an update.

We received a phone call at 8:45AM this morning and were told that the doctor is recommending transfer for today. They said we had two really good embryos that were ready for transfer and didn't see the point in waiting any longer. We have two more that they are going to continue to grow out for possible freezing. The two they transfered were 8 cell and 7 cell which is really good. I do have a picture that I will have to post later.

So we had 45 minutes to get showered and dressed and be out the door. I was not even awake when they called. I just starte crying after I got the call because honestly, I wasn't ready for this.
I was excited, nervous, and freaking out at the same time. I also had to arrive with a full bladder so I chugged as much water as possible. Before we left, Jon and I offered a humble, heartfelt prayer and then we were off. We both could no stop crying because we could not believe we had made it this far. I text and called everyone we could think of.

We got to the doctors, signed in, and sat with Dr. Heiner and went over how our embryos were doing. They gave me 3 valium and I am so glad because they had to use a catheter to implant. It seriously took like 10 minutes. Jon had to cover his clothes and wear a hat and booties. I put on my hospital gown with my hat and booties. After Dr. Heiner was done, I rested for about 15 minutes and then I decided I would be more comfortable in my own bed.

After we left, We we went to Einstein Bagels for a treat. Yes, I know. It's Sunday. We got home and I am camped out on my recliner.

What a whirlwind of a day. It feels so unreal. But we aren't out of the woods yet. Now we wait to see if it worked. But, 2 little embryos are in their home where they can relax and grow. And I can look forward to a week of reading, watching movies, and sleeping as well as relaxing.

Please continue to keep up in your prayers. And stop on by. We'll be here all week.

Egg Hunt

Today was egg retrieval. Last night, we had a friend come over to give me a blessing to calm my nerves and I am most grateful for that extra support. This morning, we woke up about six and started getting ready. We left the house about ten to eight because we were concerned about traffic. We got to the clinic at 8:00AM and because we were early, we decided to drive to a park and say a quick prayer.

We arrive at the clinic and sat out in the waiting room for about 15 minutes and then the nurse took us back. She went over some instructions for after retrieval, things that were normal, and things that aren't normal. She also went over the progesterone inserts that I will be starting tomorrow. Dr. Heiner came in and talked to us a little bit about the procedure and that he was expecting to get about 12 to 15 eggs. We also discussed a possible embryo transfer for Sunday, depending on how the embryos were doing outside of the womb. If not Sunday, then the transfer will be on Tuesday.

Afterwards, a nurse took me back to a dressing room to change and the andryologist took Jon back to do his thing. They started my IV and took me into the OR. I am proud to say I didn't freak out when I got my IV. I was more anxious to sleep. I asked how long the procedure would take and was told about 5 to 10 minutes. So they prepped me around 8:45 or so, knocked me out, and I came out of the anesthesia about 9:30. Jon was there when I woke up which I was so grateful for. As I was coming out, I vaguely remember asking Jon the same things over and over. Some people can be pretty interesting when they are waking up.

After I got dressed, we went out to the nurses station where I was told I did great and gave me the total of eggs found. 23 EGGS!!!! They were pretty surprised and excited about this as was Jon and I. However, because more than 20 were retrieved, they gave me some medication to take to prevent ovarian hyperstimulation. They honestly did not expect to find that many. So tomorrow, we will receive a phone call to from the doctor and they will tell us how many fertilized. We, of course, are hoping that a majority of them fertilize and that we will have some leftover to freeze.

I am still sore and tired, but Tylenol and heat seems to help with the cramping. I've slept almost all day and have watched alot of tv. After we left the clinic, we went to In-n-Out and got hamburgers and shakes. And then tonight, we received Cafe Rio for dinner. We have some great friends.

We are still shocked by how many eggs were retrieved and keep asking each if what we heard was real. We are optimistic that there will be plenty of eggs to use. So, it's been a pretty good day. Now we wait.

Second Big Step

So, tomorrow morning, we will not be going to work. Jon and I will wake up early and head over to the reproductive clinic to do the egg retrieval. We have to be there at 8:30AM and the procedure will be at 9:00AM. They will give me some good stuff that will knock me out. Jon will give his sample and they will do the ICSI and let the embryos sit in a little petri dish for 3 to 5 will days. Depending on how things look, they transfer the embryos on either Sunday or Tuesday. I am just grateful that we have made it this far.

Let me just give a little overview of my appointment from yesterday. I went in for my blood draw and ultrasound. Dr. Heiner and I were both optimistic that this would be my last day of monitoring. He did the ultrasound and follicles at about 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19 millimeters. However, he didn't feel I would be ready for retrieval for Thursday. He told me we would need at least one more day of monitoring and give the follicles another day to grow and for my levels to go up. I was a little discouraged but set up my appointment for today, Wednesday. As I was starting my car, one of the nurses ran out to get me and told me that Dr. Heiner wanted to talk to me. I went back in and he informed me that on the report that printed out, there were two follicles he missed, one at 20 mm and the other at 22 mm. He said depending on my estrogen levels, he would do the egg retrieval on Thursday. I was really happy to hear this. He said he likes the levels to be over 2000 and that I should be right about there since my levels were jumping about 500 every day.

So, I sat down with a nurse who went over the HCG "trigger" shot. This helps the follicles in there final stage of maturing. This also meant I wouldn't have to do any other shots but this one. This shot has to be taken at an exact time which was 10:00PM last night. The shot has to administered 35 hours before retrieval and we did it right on time. Then today, I took a pregnancy test and the result we were looking for was positive. This will show that my body reacted to the HCG with a false positive. I did two of these test's because the positive was really faint. The nurse said as long as it was there and I could see it no matter how faint, it was positive.

Anyway, back to the appointment. When the nurse called me back with my levels, Tuesday night, she said they were 1856. But because two of my follicle's were so large, the doctor was concerned if we waited one more day, I could be in danger of ovarian hyperstimulation and they didn't want that to happen. So here we go.

I'm nervous and excited and after I got off with the phone with the nurse, I just started crying because I was so grateful that we had made it this far. We have had so many prayers answered through all of this. It's just another small victory.

I am so incredibly grateful and overwhelmed for all the prayers and faith from out family and friends. This journey has been amazing so far. And throughout all of this, I have been at peace, calm, and not had a moment where I just freaked out. Everytime I stressed about something, this little voice kept telling me, 'Not to worry. Everything will be o.kay.' I just have to keep believing that.

Quick Update

So, this is just a quick upate. I started my shots on Saturday and they aren't to bad. But they make me tired and achey. This past Tuesday, I went in for a quick blood test so they could see where my Estrogen levels are after starting on the medications. The levels came bacck at being 74. The nurse had told me that they were looking for them to be at 100 to 150. I was a little discouraged and a little dissappointed. However, the nurse told me not to be discouraged because I had just started the meds and he started me on a low dose of the follicle stimulator hormone to prevent ovarian hyperstimulation. So, she increased the dose of the Gonal-F from 225 to 300.

Today I went in for an ultrasound and another blood draw. I think I'm starting to look like a drug addict. The ultrasound went really well. The doctor said my follicle's were growing and I had 11 follicles so far. I really think I can feel my ovaries being stimulated. Then I had my blood drawn. The doctor said he would most likely need to increase my dosage again by another 75 units. I talked to the nurse to talk about ordering additional meds to get me through the eekend. We went over my estrogen levels a little bit more and then she said she would call me later with my blood results.

I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting a huge change. I mean, my levels only went up by 50 from Friday to Tuesday. But we were hoping it would at least double which would put me between the 100 and 150 range. When the nurse called me, she said my levels went from 74 to 220 which she said is really good. She also explained that I wouldn't start the Ganirelix, which prevents ovulation, until my largest follicle hit 14 millimeters. I asked her big they were measuring now and she told me 10 millimeters. So, the drugs must be working and doing the job. I was ecstatic to get these results. She did say that egg retrieval would most likely be next Thursday or Friday. So that has been pushed back a little which will push back the embryo transfer and bed rest. Which is fine with me. I'm just happy that everything is going good. So there is my update for now. More later.

I Can Do This

So last night I took my first two shots. 20 units of the HCG and 225 of the Gonal-F. We had gone to a class yesterday morning where they did and overview of the IVF cycle. What to expect, what not to expect, side effects. We saw pictures of different embryos such as what they look like when they're good quality and when they're poor quality. Things like that. Then we practiced doing injections. They give you this little round disc that has a foamy middle that feels kind of like skin. We learned how to draw the medicine from the vial and inject it. Pinch, inject, pull out. Super simple. The nurse told us that in the first class she ever did, she let the women practice on their husband's. I don't think I would have minded doing that. Then we signed all of our consent forms. We are pretty much in this from here on out.

The medication has to be taken between 7 and 10 at nigth. So, last night, around 7:30, we put the medicine together. Some came already premixed and some we have to mix ourselves. I got a piece of ice to numb the spot on my belly and then Jon and I just started laughing. I mean, we were laughing so hard we were shaking. To me, it was just weird having my big, football player, of a husband give me a shot with this tiny needle. And I think Jon was just as equally nervous. Then all of sudden, I started crying because I psyched myself out. When I started crying, Jon laughed even harder. I kept telling him not to hurt me. We finally both calmed down, I closed my eye's, and Jon started laughing again. He finally calmed down again, I closed my eye's again, and before I knew it, he was done. I was like, "That's it?" and he said, "Yeah." O.kay.....I didn't even FEEL anything. So I started laughing again and I felt pretty silly. So the second shot was no big deal.

I can TOTALLY do this!!

Good to Go

Today I had my first suppression ultrasound and blood draw to start off the IVF cycle. First of all, the blood draw really hurt. I have started getting use to it and it's getting easier, but I swear the lab tech was a freaking sadist. She jabbed the needle in and then when she was done, she put the medical tape on so tight to hold the cotton ball in place it just hurt. My elbow all the way down to my hand hurt. I kept it on through the rest of the appointment, but as soon I got outside I was ready to take the damn thing off. So I took off the medical tape and took some skin with it too. I have this nasty, red bruise where the tape was and a bruise from the needle. My arm is still hurting after 4 hours. And I get to have this done again at least 4 more times. However, the goods new from the blood work was that my Estrogen levels were less than 25% which wsa what they were looking for. They actually want something less than 75%. So when the nurse called she sounded really optimistic.

The ultrasound wasn't as bad as the first one and it was really quick. He counted 18 eggs which he said was good. And he also checked the lining of my uterus. I had told him that after the progesterone pills and the birth control pills I still hadn't started my period and I ws concerned. He said if my lining was thick, then we would have to wait for my period to start. However, he said if the lining was thin, then there wasnm't anything to shed and we would be good to go. Luckily the lining was thin so we can proceed as normal. i had asked the nurse about women not starting their periods before the IVF cycle and she said it was completely normal. with all the hormone meds, the lining of the uterus just thins out and there's nothing to shed.

The nurse then did a quick overview of the meds. How to draw the medicine from the vial, how to inject the medicine, etc, etc. She also went over my levels from the Clomid test and she said that everything was exactly where they wanted it to be. I love my doctor's nurse. She will take the time to answer any question I ask her. It's such a good feeling. I scheduled my next blood draw for next Tuesday and things are just taking off. Tomorrow is our class for the medications and we'll sign the all the consent forms.

In some ways, this feels so unreal. I feel like I'm having a really nice dream and I'm waiting to wake up. However, I know that this is really happening and our lives will most likely change for the better. I know that everything has fallen into place for us and we have had so many prayers answered. I truly know that Heavenly Father has his hand in this and he is blessing our lives. This has already been and I'm sure will continue to be an amazing experience.

Special Delivery

Today I got a special delivery from the UPS man. But it wasn't your typical, brown box. Instead, it was white, foam, refrigerated box. Like the one below.

Inside, were all of my IVF medications. The needles, syringe's, alcohol wipes, and bandages. I have to admit that I started getting a little woozy taking everything out due to my phobia of needles. So, I quickly just took everything out, made sure it was all there, and put it on the counter. Then I came back an opened up the boxes and looked at the needles and decided I wasn't going to do this. That decision lasted all of two seconds. I knew this was going to be worth it. I think I have looked at everything 5 times and I am starting to get a little braver. In fact, I wanted to start tonight. But I have to wait until Saturday. But it's interesting to go through.

Here was what was inside:

This is a drug called GANIRELIX (ga-ni-REL-ix). This is a releasing hormone. It's used to help regulate hormone response in the treatment of infertility.

This next drug is called GONAL-F. This medicine is a human follicle stimulating hormones used to treat infertility in women by stimulating ovaries to produce eggs. It's a follicle stimulating hormone. This is the one that has to be refrigerated.

Another drug I will be taking is called NOVAREL or human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG). This is a hormone that supports the normal development of an egg in a womens ovary and stimulates the release of the egg during ovulation. The last drug is called CRINONE 8% Vaginal Gel or Progesterone. It's a hormone used to treat infertility due to progesterone deficiency. It helps to prepare the uterus for implantation and development of a fertilized egg.

Along with all this wonderful stuff, I received my own sharps container so we can dispose of the needles and syringes properly So now we have our own little pharmacy and clinic going on in our kitchen. It's pretty intersting. And the more I think about it and see all this modern medicine sitting on my table, the more excited I get about everything. Just two more days, and I can finallly get started.

Finally......JULY

So it is finally July and I have to be honest, it didn't start out that well. On Friday, I had a complete breakdown. I literally cried all day Friday and Saturday morning. We're getting down to the wire and I am very excited. But I think all the stress just had built up and needed to be released. Which is a good thing. I was also stressed because even though we were able to pay for our treatment, we were short on cash for medications. And to top it off, when I went to pay for the treatment, the total was $300 higher than the original total. I just looked at the billing lady and said, "Your joking, right?". Then I showed her the paperwork she gave us with a different total. We ran the numbers five times and kept getting the higher total. To say the least, I was a little frustrated. But I still paid the full amount because this is important to us and it is definitely worth it.

Then I went home and cried some more. When Jon got home, he pretty much told me, in his own nice way, to straighten up. He said that we have been going on faith this whole time and we needed to just keep having faith. And if this is meant to be, it would work out. I hate to admit it, but he was right. But it did take me a little while to feel better. I also pulled out my scriptures and read the story about Jesus feeding the five thousand with 2 fish and five loaves of bread and how everyone had enough to eat and were no long hungry. I thought if Christ was able to that, then we would find away to pay for my meds.

So Saturday morning, we went to breakfast with his parents, and then he and I went to a movie. We saw Knight And Day, which is pretty cute. We took Dixie to Murray park, had dinner with his parents and then hung out for the rest of night. Sunday we prayed and fasted that things would work out the way they were supposed too. We took Dixie to the park again and then watched a movie at home. I think Jon was trying to keep me busy. Monday, we took a truck full of stuff to Savers, went to breakfast, walked around Ikea, took a long nap, and met up with Jamie and RJ for dinner at JCW's. Afterwhich, Jon and RJ watched a dvd about Fractals (don't ask) and Jamie and I watched The Bachelorette.

This morning, I was determined to have a better attitude about everything. I was still really worried, but I decided whatever was going happen would happen.

A few weeks ago I had applied for a Compassionate Care Program that helps couples with the cost of their medications either by donation or what have you. I didn't think we would qualify but I thought it was worth a shot. They called me today and told me we wouldn't qualify...Shocker!!! But then they told me some good news....that our insurance will cover the medications with just a copay. My chin literally dropped to the ground. I didn't think insurance would cover the meds since they don't cover IVF. So I called my doctor, got a list of all the meds I would be taking, called the pharmacy department for my insurance, went over all the meds with them and found out, to my relief, that the meds would not cost as much as we originally thought. I truly feel blessed and know without a doubt, that this was an answer to our prayers.

June Needs to End NOW

So.....in about two weeks, we start IVF for real. On July 10th we have a class where we will learn about the meds that are injected. Jon will learn how to give them to me and I will learn how to be brave to get them. Some of you may already know that I have a phobia of needles. I hate them!!! I can't even have my blood drawn without laying down. When I had my sinus surgery, I hyperventilated when they gave me my IV. Anyway. Back to what I was talking about. I actually want to learn how to give myself the shots just in case Jon isn't around when I need one. Like when I go to Heather's to watch The Bachelorette. (ha ha)

At this class we'll also go over all the consent forms and sign them. It's very interesting to read through them. One the forms ask us what we want to do with leftover embryo's if something happens to one of us or if we get a divorve or if we both die. They have several options and we are still trying to figure out what we feel would be best.


Later that night, after the class, I will be starting the injections. I'm kind of glad that we have this class the same day I start injections otherwise I think I would have spent a whole month psyching myself out about them due to the previously metnioned phobia. I also have a an appointment on July 9th for bloodwork and and ultrasound. Another one of those lovely, vaginal, ultrasound's. But this is all definitely going to be worth it. I calculated from the time I start injections to the time I have the embryo transfer, it will be about a 4 week process. And then another 2 weeks after that to find out if it worked, which it will, because we are being positive.

So, as you can tell, I have alot to look forward too and I am more than ready to get started. I must warn most of you, though, that I will most likely be emotional, moody, and crying alot, so please bare with me. I'm going to be pretty crazy and highstrung and sensitive. I'll just have to keep telling myself that it's just the med's. But it is going to be so worth it. I can feel it! As I told one of my friends, I feel like a little kid at Christmas wondering if Christmas Eve and morning will ever arrive. So, I really want June to be done with. I am really looking forward to this new adventure and I am so excited I can hardly stand it.

Nothing Exciting

So I don't really have anything new to post right now. Today we went back to the doctor's to have some blood work done for infectious disease's. I'm sure we'll pass those with flying color's. Then we sat down with the billing department to get the grand total. This baby is going to be so worth it. One thing we did talk about with her was how many embryo's the doctor usually transfers. She said usually two, sometime's three, which is what our doctor and nurse had told us as well. We got to talking about how sometime's the embryos can split and you can get two fetus's from one. She told us that in this clinic, it is very common for twins. She said she has seen some triplets, but it's usually single babies or twins and it's pretty much half in half. We thought that was pretty interesting. I honestly didn't think twins was as common as some people thought. But I'd be happy with twins. Honestly, I'd be happy with whatever Heavenly Father decide;s to give me. However, I am secretly hoping for six so we can have our own reality show. 'Jon, Sally, and Dix + 6'.

Decided

So we have finally decided. We are starting our IVF in July and we are doing the Global Fresh Cycle IVF. We are so excited. But I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little bit nervous. This really feels surreal. We are both feeling very positive and confident that things will work out. However, we are adding a lot of faith and hope to that as well. And many prayers.

The doctor has put me on a hormone pill and birth control to induce at least two periods before my cycle. I have also started a prenatal vitamin as well. Can't say I like it too much, but it's what the doctor ordered.

I am scheduled to start injections on July 10th. That same day, we will take a class to learn how the injections work. I'm starting to become more brave about this. At first, it made me a little scared, but I know I can handle it. The day before I start injections, I'll have an ultrasound and a blood draw.

After I start the injections, I will go in for at least 4 more blood draws and 3 ultrasounds. The target date to retrieve the eggs is July 21st. And the target day to do the embryo transfer is July 26th. After which, I will be on bed rest, or at least taking it easy, for about a week. We won't know for another two weeks if the transfer took or not. We're hoping it will and are going on blind faith that we will be blessed.

So as you can tell, July is going to be a very busy month for us. It will most likely be very emotional and I'll probably turn into a crazy person. Although, I'm already pretty crazy so I'm not sure how much more crazy I can get. However, it will be very exciting and when all is said and done, it will be worth it.

We feel our time to have children is soon and we have been so patient, we have faith that Heavenly Father will answer our prayers.

Again, thanks to all of you who take time to read my blog and who are praying for us. We are so grateful for all the support we are receiving from our family and friends. It really means alot to us. We are truly blessed.

Getting Closer

O.kay....So had an appointment yesterday with our doctor and discussed Jon's test results. Unfortunately, Jon's little guys are stubborn so they need a little extra push. We are definitely doing IVF. There are three options that we are looking at.

The Global Single Fresh Cycle - It's about $13,ooo, excluding meds and anesthesia. They will also do ICSI, where they insert the sperm into the egg after retreival and before transfer. The con is that this is a one time shot and if it doesn't work and there are not enough eggs, we have to start all over. The pro is that if they get anough good eggs and the first cycle doesn't work, the second cycle is less expensive.

The IVF Mutiple Cycle - With this one you can pay up to 4 cycle's at a discounted rate. It's pretty much the same as the first one, your just paying a little bit more. And meds and additional procedure's are not included. We're not looking at this one as much

IVF Money Back Guarantee - This one is about $26,000 or more and you get to try over and over again if the first few time's don't work. If it doesn't work and your done trying or it works and you miscarry, you get your money back. This one is attractive because of the guarantee. However, you pay everything up front and if it works the first time, your out all that money. And if you do IVF again, you start from scratch.

Interesting, isn't it??? The price they can put on a child. But these procedure's are exspensive and they do everything they can to help you have a family. It's amazing how far technology has come.

Now, the question is when to start. I know that shouldn't be a question, but there are also alot of factor's that come into play. And also what we feel good about. Committments we have made, school schedule's, etc. However, we feel that in the last 10 years, we have never put ourselve's first and we need to start doing that. Especially starting a family. This is so important to us and we want to make the right decision.

We have to give our doctor and answer on Monday of when we want to start. We can start in July or September. And it's actually a quick process. 6 weeks!! It's a HUGE decision but one that will definitely be worth it.

We ar so grateful for all your prayers, thougts, and kind words as Jon and I are going down this road. It means the world to us.

1st and 10

I have been seeing this alot of any blogs. 1st and 10 where you got to your first picture folder and choose the 10th picture and blog about it. So here goes it....

This is my niece, Emily. She lives on the East Coast with her mom, dad, and little brother. She is eleven years old and was born 6 days after my birthday. Since she was born, she has lived on 4 continents and has learned 4 different culture's. She loves to read....ALOT. In fact, her and I like to read some of the same books. Harry Potter, Fablehaven, Anne of Green Gables, etc. She does very well in school and she LOVES going to school. She loves animals and has a pet rat. Or maybe it's a mouse. She also loves to draw and do different crafty things. When she is visiting all of us here in Utah, she loves to get together with her cousins and scrapbook. Another favorite thing to do is go to the Dollar Store with Aunt Sally and pick out 5 things. Last summer, when her family came to visit, we went to see the 6th Harry Potter movie.

Something that amazes me about this girl is that she likes to watch these movies and read the books and they can get pretty dark. She doesn't flinch at it. I'm not sure I would have been that brave at her age.

Pretty soon, her family will be moving again and enjoying another experience. She is a pretty special girl and I'm glad that she is a part of our family.

Finally.....Results

We finally got Jon's results. Actually, I think Jon was starting to get a little antsy, so he called me for the doctor's phone number and called himself. I was actually surprised that he did that on his own. I'm usually the one who is anxious to know and calling the doctor until I get an answer. Anyway. He talked to the nurse and got his results. We were really hoping we could do Artificial Insemination because it's covered under our insurance and it would not have been as taxing on my body. However, the results didn't give us that option. So, of course, we were a little disappointed. However.....We were told that the motility, the amount of good sperm, was pretty good to work with and that Invitro is still a good option for us. You would think that we would be more excited about this and we are. But sometime's even good news can seem bittersweet when it doesn't give us the answer we would like.

That being said, we are feeling optimistic that Invitro will work for us. The doctor and staff will just give the sperm a little extra help. After they retrieve the eggs and get another sample, they'll inject the sperm directly into the eggs to help fertilize it. It's called ICSI and it adds to the cost of IVF, but it will be worth it. So, hopefully we can get started soon. We have a follow up appointment on June 3rd so we can discuss our options further. And Jon set up that appointment on his own, as well. He's really getting into this, which is a huge blessing. Amazingly, there are different options of IVF depending on what issues the wife and husband bring to the table. I'm sure after our next appointment, we'll feel even more positive.

Thank-you all to your thoughts and prayers.

Waiting Game

Jon went in last Friday for his test. He wasn't super excited about it and was very nervous. But he went through with it and I am so proud of him for doing it. Now we're just waiting for the results. They told us within a week. So if I don't hear by Friday, tomorrow, you can bet I will be calling on Monday.

I'm sure no matter what, we'll be able to handle it. It's just all the waiting and being patient. And I have to admit, I have been a little on edge this week about it. I honestly feel the results will be the same from the last time he did it. But there is that small part of me that worries the results might be worse. But as a wise friend told me, there is no point to stressing until we hear the results. Then we can stress. But as soon as we know, you'll know. I will keep you posted.

'IF" to "WHEN" to "AFTER"

Everytime we talk about having a baby and the procedure's we are going through, Jon has always had this habit of saying "if" we have a baby. I have to admit, it's a habit that I have had to break and have done so. But everytime Jon says it, it drives me crazy and I am always correcting him and telling him we need to be more positive.

Well, last night, we were driving to the movies and we were just talking about everyday stuff and things we would like to accomplish in the future. Jon finishing school, finding a different job, getting into a bigger house, places we would like to go, etc., etc. As we were talking, Jon said "When we have the baby we should do, blah, blah, blah." And of course I nodded my head and agreed with some of the things he was saying. And then a few minutes later, he said, "After we have the baby we should blah, blah, blah." Again, I nodded my head and agreed.

It was so nice to hear him say "when" and "after", instead of "if'. I don't know if he was feeling less stressed because his test was over or feeling more positive after visiting with Ashley and George and Little Max, but it was nice to hear.

St. George

On May 7th, after graduation and lunch with family, Jon and I packed out bags and headed to St. George for the weekend. We decided after all the hard work he had put in and after all the test's I had been through, we decided we needed a break. Some time to relax and just chill. It was a wonderful weekend. We got to St. George Friday, around 8 PM, checked into our hotel (Marriott of course), and decided to get some dinner. My friend Jamie told me about this place called the Mongolian BBQ in the outlet mall. When we first saw it, I have to be honest that it didn't look like much and I wasn't sure I wanted to try it. But we were both starving and didn't want fast food. So we took a chance and we both loved it. You grab a bowl, stuff as high as you want with veggies, meat, and noodles, and then they cook it all for you kind of like a stir fry. It was very yummy. We each got a fortune cookie and both fortune's were very interesting considering all we have been through. I usually don't put any stock in fortune's, but I really liked these.

Jon's - "You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire."
Mine - "Soon, a visitor shall delight you."

Saturday, we layed out by the pool for at least 3 hours and have paid dearly for it. However, it was relaxing. I stayed out for so long because I was so engrossed in reading Catching Fire that I lost track of time. But it was so nice to have anything that had to be done. No schedule, no going shopping, no cleaning. Just a whole day of nothing. Although, there was a woman by the pool and not a young woman, I might add, who decided to lay on her stomach and undo her bikini top. This would have been o.kay had she stayd laying down. Instead, she kep propping herself on her elbow's to talk to her husband or play on her phone and everytime she did this, you could see everything. I know this because she was right in my line of site.

After the pool, we got dressed and went to lunch. We found this little mexican restaurant in downtown St. George, called Panam Grill: Mexican Eats. So yummy. I had a taco salad and Jon had tacos. However, their guacamole was not very good. It could have used some salt and lime juice. But everything else was good. After lunch, we took a tour of the Brigham Young Winter Home. I had never been there and didn't know it existed. I guess during the winter's, Brigham Young would stay in St. George because the cold irritated his arthritis. It's very small, but it was very interesting to see. And I guess while the LDS Saint's lived down there, they planted and harvested cottom. They were very resourceful.

This was a little B&B kiddie corner of Brigham Young's home and the title made me giggle.

After all that, we headed back to the hotel and went back to the pool for a few more hours. The weather was so nice and warm that we couldn't help ourselves. Until Jon realized that the Jazz game was on and he wanted to finish watching it. Apparently it was a good game, but we were kind of glad we missed the end. We decided to go to dinner at the Brick Oven Pizza. Another suggestion from Jamie. We don't usually eat pizza, but we were trying to find places that aren't in Draper or Salt Lake for that matter. It was very yummy but very fulfilling. We ended up taking it back to the hotel.

Sunday morning, we got up dressed, packed and had breakfast. One good thing about staying at a Courtyard, Residence Inn, etc. is the breafast. For some reason it's always so yummy. We got on the road and headed home. We stopped in Kanarraville and Cedar City to put some flowers on some graves and then we decided to take a side trip to Kolob Canyon. It was so beautiful but windy. We took some pictures and really enjoyed the ride.

We drove some more and then decided to take another side trip to Cove Fort. I have been there several time's. but I thought it was a good Sunday activity. Cove Fort was a way station for the pioneer's. This is where they stopped on their way south or north. It was built by President Hinckley's grandfather and it's a really neat place to see. We also were able to see the barn, the bunkhouse, and the blacksmith. And we had the cutest missionary couple show us around.

We stopped in Nephi for lunch and after we got back on the freeway, our battery light came on. We were probably a good two hours from home and we both panicked. Jon called his friend, Jason, who is a mechanic, and asked him was we should do. He told us we should make it home, but if we do break down, to have the car towed to a Hyundai dealership in Linden. So we said a little prayer and got back on the road. It was a very stressful drive especially since I had to go to the bathroom really bad, but Jon refused to stop. Luckily, we made it home and as soon as we pulled into our driveway, the car died. Thank Heaven's for small miracle's.

All in all, we had a fabulous time and decided we need to do this more often.