Difficult News

On July 25th, we had two cute, little embryos implanted into my uterus to grow. Two weeks from the day, we went in for our pregnancy test and received the phone call we had been dreading. The test came back negative. Jon kept asking what our next step was and the nurse told us to take our time to allow things to sink in and grieve and when we were ready, Dr. Heiner would do a free consult with us to decide our next steps. We do have another embryo frozen waiting for us, so we will try again. We just don't know when. Maybe in a few months or in a year or two.

This last week, before finding out, was the hardest week of my life. I cried everyday and started spotting. The spotting really freaked me out. But I think at the point, I realized this probably wasn't going to work. But I didn't want to believe it. So I continuted to be positive. We even went to the temple and went to church yesterday to aprtake of the scrament. That's where we heard the news. When I look back, we probably should have stayed home, but I knew we needed to take the scrament and renew our covenants with our Heavenly Father. As soon as we were off the phone, we mad a bee line for the front door. I knew if we got stopped, I would lose it right there on the spot.

As soon as we got home, we both broke down. It was horrible!! We felt like someone had punched us in the gut and ripped our hearts out and did the flamenco on them. We just still couldn't believe it. I kept wondering if I did something worng or if there was something different I could have done. Of course, Jon directed his anger at the doctor. We just couldn't beleive it!! we were so sure this would work in our favor. But Heavenly Father has a different plan for us.

We proceeded to text our friends and family. I know, cowardly. I posted a message on Facebook to get the word out. People wanted to come over and comfort us and make sure we were o.kay. But we asked for our space. We need the time to comfort ourselve's before we can comfort others. So, to prevent any face to face communication, we took off in the truck for a little while. Later, we found out Jon's sister stopped by with much needed junki food. we felt bad that we missed her and hope that she forgive's us. I did take two phone calls. One from my mom, which was heartbreaking, and another from my friend, Heidi, who wanted to let me know she had been thinking of me. We also accepted a surprise visitor. Our sweet bishop, Bishop Croshaw. He brought us som homemade bread and then sat and cried with us both. He offered us some sweet words of wisdom and left our house with a prayer.

Now, some people in our place would be bitter, angry, frustrated, sad, heartbroken, emotional, and would shake their fist's to the heaven's saying, "Why?". We feel all of those things. We are very hurt and disappointed and that will take some time to heal. And I know we have a wonderful support system of family and friends that we can rely on. However, I don't regret doing this. I don't regret the shots, medications, daily ultrasounds and blood draws, or the thousand's we paid for this procedure. If we hadn't tried, I would have never known if we could do it. No it wasn't a positive outcome this round, but it was still a bridge we had to cross. Not only that, we have been extremely blessed along the way. we have developed friendships we didn't realize were there and our faith was increased. And I know when we try again, we'll have those things again including our family.

I am still hurt and angry and will start crying sporadically. But I'm only human right? I can sit here and think of all the reasons why this isn't fair and build a "crap" list. But I would rather be humble and think of all my blessings. So here they are:

I am thankful for:
My realtionships with my husband
Our parents and family
Our ward
Our friendships
To have shelter and food
Steady incomes
Jon going back to school
Our cute little dog
My faith and testimony
And most importantly, my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

We are very grateful for all of the prayers and thoughts in our behalf. We know that we have amazing family and friends who care about us and love us. we are very blessed and we know that. If you call or text and I don't reply, please don't be offended. I'm just not ready to talk yet. We are still healing. Love to you all.