The Candidate I Voted For Won: So Why Am I Heartbroken

Yes. I just admitted to voting for Donald Trump. I know some who will read this will be disappointed and upset. I just want to say, that if anyone I know reads this and decides they can no longer be my friend, I will be sad, but I will also respect your decision. Why? Because I believe that everyone should be true to themselves and what they believe in.

I have really debated writing this post. But the more I have thought about my feelings and what I have witnessed since the election, I feel very impressed that I need to share my feelings. I don't expect to turn hearts or ideals. I don't even expect anyone to really read this. Maybe I'm mostly writing this for myself and writing it out in paper would give me writer's cramp.

When I received my ballot in the mail, I could not believe how many people were running for President of the United States. I only knew of four of them! So I sat down, researched each candidate and their platform, and then really prayed about who I should vote for. I wanted to vote for someone, yet not feel like I had compromised my conscious nor my convictions. After a lot of thought, I chose the candidate that I felt in my mind would be best for out country.

So....my candidate won! I should be happy, right? I'm actually very heartbroken. And not for the reasons you think. I still stand by my decision just as I would expect anyone who voted for someone else would stand by theirs.

I am heartbroken because of the hate, bigotry, ugliness, etc. that has been spewed all over social media. The bullying and unkind words and actions towards our fellow Americans. 

I am disappointed in the college and high school students who have decided to stage walkouts and request that exams and tests be postponed because the candidate they didn't want, won.

The thousands of protestors blocking traffic that prevents others from getting where they need to be. What if there was a medical emergency and the first responders couldn't get to that emergency?

The burning of our American flag which shows complete disrespect to the men and women who have sacrificed their lives so that flag can wave.

Young children bullying their classmates and spewing out hateful and racist comments.

People saying they will move out of the of country or states saying they will separate themselves from the United States in protest.

Families and friends attacking each other because of their political belief.

Don't get me wrong.......I am in full favor of freedom of speech. Everyone has the right to speak up for themselves and stand up for what they believe in. However, that does not make any of us immune from the consequences. And I know that people are upset and frustrated with the outcome. But all of the above does not accomplish anything!!! It just causes more hate and hurt. You know the expression "You can draw more flies with honey than with vinegar"? I'm pretty sure that rings true today.

All of this hate makes me think of the wars of our country where it was father against son, brother against brother, friend against friend. Haven't we come a long way to live in a country of tolerance and acceptance only to go backwards???

Now I know our country isn't perfect and we, as a society, are still learning on how to work together and we still have a lot of changes to make. But OUR actions are what is putting our country in reverse. OUR actions as American citizens says more about our character than who we voted for. Everyone deserves to be treated justly and fairly. But we have got to stop blaming the government and establishment for the reason's we act the way we do.

We do not have control over who our President is. But we do have control over how WE will handle the outcome individually and as a society. We can either add to the problems in our country or we can work together and find ways to help solve the problems we have. And maybe my thoughts are naive, but the hate isn't working. Hate is only breeding more hate. And honestly, this hate is coming from both sides of the coin.

In a time of turmoil and contention, WE need to find a way to be kinder and more compassionate with each other. WE need to find a reason for hope. WE need to pray for our new president-elect that he will be up to the challenge and make our country great. Wouldn't we want to do the same thing if Hillary had won? Or anyone else?

Facebook has become a place where everyone is posting why their candidate is better and why the other candidate is bad. It's become a place where people are judgemental and accusing others of racism and hate and bigotry. Again, I truly believe the way we treat others says more about our character than anything else.

So this is my plea and my prayer......That we can all learn to be a little more kinder and compassionate to our families, friends, neighbors, and communities. That we can find a way to work together. That we can find a way to have civilized and respectful disagreements and arguments. That we can find a way to still accept and love each other despite our beliefs and values. 

Otherwise......

United we stand; divided we fall.

What Is Our Purpose?

Lately, I have been pondering a lot about my purpose here on this Earth. What exactly is Heavenly Father's plan for me? What is it that he wants me to accomplish? 

I know what I am. I'm a daughter, wife, sister, aunt, friend, and a Child of God. 

But see, I am a 38 year old woman, married 18 years to my best friend and love my life, have done 3 rounds of failed IVF, looked at adoption, and foster care which all didn't quite work out. We are taught, in the Mormon faith, from the age of 12 that we are to get married in the temple to righteous young man and have a family. Well......I did the temple part.

As I'm nearing 40, and don't worry.....we haven't taken children out of the picture yet, I still have to wonder my purpose. I'm not really a mom, in the physical sense. I do have a little dog so that kind of counts and 5 babies in heaven. But if there are not to be anymore options for children, I have to look at my life in a different way and look down a different path. (Again, that door hasn't closed yet)

A friend of mine and I were discussing this the other night and she had a lot of good thought and insight given my situation. I really did appreciate what she had to say and I really loved her perspective. 

However, later that night, I read a post on social media that really upset me. It was a post on infertility which was fine and it was a very open post. But then......there was a statement that stated "a woman's SOLE and ONLY purpose on this Earth is to bare children". This took me back. It kind of shook me to my core and knocked me down. And all I could think was.......What about me? We've tried that and it hasn't worked. And it wasn't just because of my health problems. It also stated that you have to be "mentally, physically, and spiritually prepared". Well.....we were! We had faith that could move mountains! We worked hard to be healthy, mentally, and spiritually prepared and it still didn't work. So do I not even have a purpose because I'm broken?

As I read this post, I wrote out comments and deleted them. I know this post wasn't directed at me. This individual was sharing their story and experience. But it still came across as very bold and direct and almost.....judgemental.

As I laid in bed after reading this post, I really thought about it and about why we are here on this Earth. Why Heavenly Father created this plan for us. Why did we come to this place knowing all the trials and challenges and demons we would face. Why in the world would I even want to live such a painful yet joyous life?

Because I said I would. Plain and simple. I knew the consequences and the challenges and I still said YES. I said give me everything you've got and I will persevere because I knew there would be plan for me to return. No matter how difficult things would get, there would be the Savior and His Atonement. 

So here's the deal.......we each have our own path to follow. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and He knows what He is doing. He can see the big picture when we we can just see a tiny scene.

So, maybe I don't know my purpose yet. But it's ok because I know that HE knows and as long as I have faith and continue to follow Him......and it won't always be easy, so I've learned........He will help me through.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

"Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has them and some of them stink."

Everyone has armpits and everyone has opinions. Sometimes they smell really good and sometimes......they really stink. 

Recently, I posted on Facebook about how I was disgusted by how athletes have decided to not stand for the national anthem to make a statement about racism or that the flag no longer stands for the liberties it used to. Well, that is there opinion and definitely their constitutional right. However, it is my right and opinion to disagree with them. Not disagree with their belief, mind you, but disagree with their actions.

In this post, which I ended up deleting and wish I hadn't, I never made mention that I disagreed with their beliefs or that they were wrong....just their actions. I agree that their beliefs have some merit, but not the actions. I feel the actions are completely ineffective. Again.....that is my opinion.

Why did I delete this post you ask? Well, the comments became pretty heated and I don't like to be an instigator of confrontation. However, I am quickly learning that is how the world works when you post your opinion on social media. And there was quite a bit of backlash among commentators. 

However, what I can't stand about social media and in other settings are the malicious comments such as: "your opinion is wrong" "your opinion is invalid" "you are stupid if you believe this or that" "how can you be so blind" "how can you be so ignorant" "you're out of touch and close minded" I see ALOT of this especially when an opinion is expressed that is against the popular norm.

People......opinions are just that.....OPINIONS. They are neither wrong nor right. It is something that someone thinks which may not necessarily align with someone else. NEWSFLASH.....that is ok!!! There is nothing wrong with having a different opinion or disagreeing with someone else's idealism. We all have different things that we believe in and fight for and there is nothing wrong with that.

So why is it that if I happen to disagree with an athlete not standing for the national anthem and find it disrespectful, that I am the one who is close minded? That is my OPINION! There is nothing wrong with how I feel and I shouldn't have to apologize for that. There are other ways to make a statement without being disrespectful. to our nation.

And the other thing I want to point out is this.......if I had already made a statement on something I feel passionate about, do you really think being rude and ugly is going to change my opinion? I don't mind if you say "well that's you opinion. However, I feel...." That's fine with me. It shows you respect me as a person as well as my mind. But....through life experiences, I have learned to think for myself and make my own opinions based on what I see and read. It is going to take a lot to persuade me to think differently on something I am passionate about. But it isn't going to happen with rude comments.

If I were to go to John Doe down the street and tell him how ugly and how much I hated the flowers he planted and was rude about it, do you think he's going to take them all out and replant because of my opinion? Probably not. He has already made the decision. 

Now let me get a little deeper on this topic. And if you decide to stop reading at this point, no offense taken and God bless.

I have many reasons why I am so passionate about the American flag, our national anthem, and patriotism.

• I have sung that national anthem on several occasions at sporting events as well as at church. The history behind it is humbling.
• I have attended 3 funerals for WWII veterans where Taps has been played, a 3 gun salute, and a flag has been draped over the veteran's coffin. I have watched how tenderly the soldiers at these funerals have folded that flag, handed it to the surviving family members, and humbly thanked them for their loved one's service. It gives me chills just to think about it.
• I have friends and family members who have spent months away from their families so they can do their duty to fight for and protect our freedoms.
• I have ancestors who have fought in the Revolutionary War and Civil War to protect our rights and freedoms that we have today. 

Now let's dig back a little further in history, shall we?

This country was founded by men and women who wanted more freedoms in their lives than what they were able to have in other countries. Freedom of speech, of religion, the right to bare arms, etc. 

Our fore fathers worked and fought tirelessly through blood, sweat, and tears to create a country that would give us all the freedoms we have at this point and take very much for granted. Was our nation perfect then? Of course not! Are we a perfect nation now? No way! Are things going to change over night? Not a chance! But they can change.

Now the main reason patriotism is so important and close to my heart is because of two things........God and Faith.

Our fore fathers were religious men who wanted freedom of religion and could not obtain that while still living under a monarchy. These men put their faith in God that He would protect them and help them create a nation that would allow themselves and their posterity the freedom to practice and believe any religion they wanted. These men had the faith that they were doing the right thing. These men put their faith in God that He would protect their freedoms during time of war. 

Because of these men, the gospel of Jesus Christ would not have been restored. That's right.....I threw some Mormonism in there. If you are offended, feel free to leave any time,

Because of the faith that these men had, the church that I believe in and follow was able to be restored. Because of these men and the thousands upon thousands of men who succeeded them, I now am blessed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. Because of the countless men and women who have sacrificed their lives for our country, I have the freedom of religion and to believe in whatever God I want to. This freedom above all others is precious to me.

Now we are at a point where we are taking God out of the Pledge of Allegiance, prayers are not allowed in schools, the Ten Commandments can not be displayed outside of court houses, its offensive to say Merry Christmas so we are asked to say Happy Holidays, it's offensive to have In God We Trust on our money, it's a distraction to fly the flag in some neighborhoods, and the list goes on and on. We are coming to a point of becoming a godless country which is so sad and unfortunate since that is what our very country was founded on.

So, if you want to be upset because I stated my opinion about my feelings of athletes or anyone in general not standing for the national anthem and flag, that is fine. I won't be offended. But my opinion is not wrong nor right. It's how I feel and think.

So I will say it again.......I find it very disrespectful to not stand for the national anthem or the flag. I don't care who you are! And the reason I find it so disrespectful is because not only are disrespecting those who have fought for your rights and freedoms, but you are disrespecting my freedoms.

Like I said, "Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has them and some of them stink." And I am going to continue to voice my opinions regardless of how stinky they are.

"If we don't stand for something, we'll fall for anything." - Irene Dunne

Thoughts About My Mom

I have been really missing my mom a lot lately. But I have been trying to think of good and happy memories. And the more I thought about these, I wish I had remembered them at her funeral to kind of lighten the mood because she sure loved to make us laugh. Probably not on purpose, but she did a good job at it. So I thought I would share some of my memories on my blog........that I haven't updated in almost a year.

The summer after my senior year of high school, I worked at Jo-Ann's Fabrics in Crafts. And let me tell ya....this wasn't located in the best area when there was a Girls, Girls, Girls dance club near by. Anyway. Mom loved to craft and loved even more that I worked at a craft store so she could use my discount. She was on pretty good terms with most of the managers so she could shopping without me even being there. There was one time that she called me early in the morning, while I was still asleep, so she could get my SSN to use my discount. Now that's an addict right there!

One time, when we are all still in school, my dad took all of us on a business trip to Orlando. While he was in meetings, mom took us kids to Sea World. When we went to see Shamu, I convinced my mom that we needed to sit up front so we could see better. (Believe me.....I knew that this was the splash zone.) But she didn't. (Insert evil laugh.) Needless to say, we were all pretty soaked.

After an incident where my Grandma and I made my mom laugh so hard that she passed out, she told everyone that we couldn't make her laugh hard or she would pass out.

When mom had a cold, she couldn't use just a box of Kleenex. Oh no! She needed a whole roll of toilet paper.

When she would floss her teeth, she would need at LEAST a mile of dental floss.

Now Jon....was the only one who could really get my mom laughing. Laughing so hard that she would have an accident. On a road trip from Homestead to Key West, Brenda really had to use the restroom and my mom just kept driving and saying "We'll stop at the next key," until Brenda finally had to yell at her to stop. When mom went in to use the restroom, Jon ran up to the door, banged on it really loud, ran back to the car and told us to all act natural. Of course Brenda and I were cracking up. Mom came out and told us she didn't even have the chance to get her pants down. I'm pretty sure you can guess what happened!

Mom would call Ramen Noodles, Roman Noodles and Renee Zellweger, Renee (Reni) Zigler.

In Homestead, there is a power plant called Turkey Point. In Utah, we have a park/shopping area called Thanksgiving Point. She always called Thanksgiving Point, Turkey Point.

In New Jersey, the freeway is the called the Turnpike. She always called the freeway in Florida the New Jersey Turnpike.

When Blackberrys first came out, we went to the AT&T store to check out the price and thought about getting one for my dad. She walked in and asked "Can I see your Blueberries?" The sales person was so confused and told her she would have to go to Publix (local grocery store in Florida) to get blueberries. I explained that she meant a Blackberry.

Mom did not do amusement park rides. If we went to Disney World or Lagoon, she would just sit and wait for us while we did the rides. Although she would do the water rides. This one time at Lagoon, we convinced her to go on the Wild Mouse. I'm pretty sure the kids behind us learned a few new words to add to their vocabulary that day.

Mom had what we called platinum blonde hair. It was the Fenstermaker curse to get premature greys. Whenever she would go to the movies or the fair, she was always asked if she wanted the senior discount. She didn't think this was funny, but the rest of us got a good chuckle out of it. I told her she should just roll with it.

During a visit to California, I decided she was becoming her mother when she started watching Matlock at 1 in the afternoon. All I could think is "And so it starts."

After her first surgery, Dad and I were sitting with her in recovery and she was so loopy that I really wish I would have filmed it. My dad told her she was acting like a space cadet to which she replied that she didn't like space. She kept asking us if we were laughing at her and we told her we were laughing with her. She kept asking my dad if he loved her and he said he didn't know. So she asked him "When will you know?" She was pretty out of it and sarcastically told me that she was glad that she gave us so much entertainment.

Even at the end, she kept her sense of humor. I jokingly told Jon that women on the Fenstermaker line go out swearing. 

She mothered us up until the very end. But I am so glad that I still have some of these memories of her that make me laugh and smile.

Cancer and The Gospel

It has been a little over a year since I have last posted and it has been a crazy year! I have traveled back to California numerous times to visit my mom an dad during my mom's cancer treatments. She had been doing well with treatment until August 2015 when another form of breast cancer was found despite chemo and radiation.

She underwent yet another surgery and started chemo again but at a much more aggressive approach due to the high risk of the 2nd cancer coming back.

I had the opportunity to visit with mom and dad over Thanksgiving 2015 before she started her next round of treatment. We had no idea how taxing this 2nd round would be on her body.

Two months later, our family's world changed forever......

On January 29th, my mother passed away peacefully after a week of being in the hospital due to her body going into septic shock. Her body fought hard, but she had decided she was ready to go. Ready to reunite with her mom and dad and her darling daughter Allison.

My father, siblings, and I had the chance to be with her in that last week, even though she was lucid for only a few days. We were able to talk to her, share stories of her grandson, sit with her, and witness tender moments between her and my father. 

A few days before she passed, we had the opportunity to have a family prayer where each of us said a prayer and thank and plead to Heavenly Father to grant his will and that we would be able to accept it.

She told us she loved us, hugged us as well as she could while hooked up to several monitors, and kept her sense of humor to the end.

The last few days, the Spirit was very strong. I think I knew it was her time yet still struggled, and still do, to accept it.

A night or two before she passed, her bishop came to visit and as he was looking at her, she looked to the side of him and kept staring. My first thought was that there was someone there in the room to see her. Who it was, I have no idea. But there was a visitor ready to take her.

We had a beautiful service for her in California where we had the most amazing support from family and friends. And come this summer, we will prepare to lay her in her final resting spot.

I still can't believe it has already been a month since my mom has graduated from this life and is now an angel watching over me. However, I have learned a lot over the last few weeks or so......

The gospel of Jesus Christ and His love for us is real. Heavenly Father hears our prayers and answers them. Maybe not in the way that we would prefer, but He knows what the best answer is. 

Family is everything. Families are eternal and I am so grateful for this knowledge and blessing. Because of this, I know I will see my mother again. I love my brother and sister and my dad. I love that they are my family and that this is the family I was meant to be a part of.

I am grateful for wonderful friends and extended family and how much love and support they showed us and are still showing us during this time. Friends are so special and know when to lift you up when you need it most.

Heavenly Father has his own time line that doesn't necessarily match up with ours. But I have the faith and continue to ask for the faith that He knows what is best for us to grow and progress.

I am so incredibly grateful for the testimony that I have for this gospel and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without, even in the loneliest of times, I know I am not alone. And through the sacrifice of our Savior and His atonement, we can be with our loved ones again.

This is still a grieving process where I have my good days and my not so good days. But I know it will get easier. I know Heavenly Father is with me along with my mother and Savior.

Cancer is a very awful thing and makes it so hard to watch a loved one fight it to the end. But I don't believe my mother lost the battle. She fought hard and won over this earthly life. Death is not the end! I'm proud of her. She will forever be my hero.

Looking Forward in 2015

It's a new year and I decided to look forward and "try" to not look back.

Yesterday morning, Jon and I discussed what kind of things we wanted to accomplish this year to improve ourselves and our lives. His first response was find a job. Obviously, I want that too. But we also discussed things that would make us happier. Not more money or a bigger house. Just things that would improve our well-being. I know everyone makes resolutions and sometimes, after a month, give up. I wanted to work on things that were more realistic. So, together we came up with a few that we can do as a couple and then I came up with a few of my own.

Together:

- Plan for a family vacation

- Start dating each other again

- Consistent family prayer

- Read together

- Focus on the temple

- Spending more time with our nieces and nephews

Those are just to name a few.

Mine:

- Daily scripture study (whether it's a chapter, whole book, or a verse)

- Eat healthier

- Personal prayer

- Make more time for reading

- Attend the temple

- Exercise more (even if it's just walking)

- Love and be more accepting of myself (strengths and weaknesses)

- Find peace

- Find time for crafting

- Be more forgiving

- Be more present and attentive

- Follow the Spirit

I felt like these were pretty realistic and easy to accomplish if I focused more. They seem like a lot but I feel like some of them will be like killing 2 or 3 birds with one stone. It will take some work and it may not be easy, but I know I can do it. I want to be a better ME and I feel like these are the things I need to work on to do that.

I am not going to lie, 2014 was a rough and stressful year. I want 2015 to be different. I want to find things to look forward to and be more aware of my daily blessings.

I know that this can be a good year. I am positive that this is a year of changes and good things are coming our way. I am also aware that whatever changes come may not necessarily be what we want them to be, but what Heavenly Father wants them to be.

Happy New Years, my friends! May your 2015 be what you make of it!

All I Want for Christmas....

About 4 or 5 years ago, when Jon and I started our journey on IVF, one of the things I dreamed about the most was Christmas morning. The excitement in my children's eyes as they rushed down the stairs to see what Santa brought them. Making cookies and delivering neighbors gifts. Buying the perfect outfit for the Christmas Sacrament meeting. And so much more.

As each IVF failed, I saw my dreams slowly slip away. Since then, whenever Jon has asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said I just want a baby. By this time, we should have at least a 3 year old. But, Christmas morning is very lonely. We wake up, open our gifts, eat breakfast, relax, visit family, and then come back to a dark, lonely house. We don't have the joy of watching our children open the gifts they have been anxiously waiting for or hear their squeals of delight. I would even take listening to a little bit of arguing or whining because the doll or truck wasn't exactly what they wanted. So each year, we try to make our Christmas just a little bit more special for us.

This year as been a little bit more difficult with Jon out of a job, my mom battling breast cancer, and the same sad feeling of no children. I was at a point where I decided celebrating was trivial when compared to our hardships. I wasn't going to do a tree or decorate. I was just going to let the season go by. However, slowly I started getting into the Christmas spirit and realized I would be sad and disappointed if I didn't at least decorate.

One day, Jon and I were talking about the new video that was put out by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, titled, He Is The Gift. We had both watched it, separately, and had both been touched by the Spirit. We had been discussing our situation of not having children during the holidays or even the thought of a baby. Jon said something to me that I will never forget. He told me that we do have a baby on Christmas. The gift of that baby was from Heavenly Father and that baby who was given to us is our Savior, Jesus Christ. We have all been given that same gift. He reminded me that we are given this baby every single year on Christmas. It may not be the baby we had hoped for, but it is still a baby. It may not be one that we can hold and snuggle and care for, but we can still strive to make ourselves worthy of His love and blessings.

After that discussion, I have looked at Christmas in a completely different light. Christmas isn't about wrapped gifts under the tree, Christmas lights, stockings, neighbor gifts, edible goodies, etc. Christmas is about the gift of Christ and His love, sacrifice, and example. We have been given the most incredible gift and I hope to never take it for granted. Heavenly Father loved us enough to send His only Son. I don't believe that there are any gifts that can top that. What a blessing for us to remember. 

As Ebeneezer Scrooge said: "I will keep Christmas in my heart and throughout all the year."

Here is the link to this heartwarming video:

He Is The Gift

My Mother is Brave

Fellow readers....On September 4th, my mom told my siblings and I that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were in shock and had no idea where this was headed. The following days after, I prayed and pondered this diagnosis and had this feeling of peace that everything was going to be ok. Heavenly Father was going to take care of everything. What a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ is!!

On October 13th, my mom has an appointment with UC Davis Cancer Center and met with a surgeon. That visit determined a mastectomy on October 29th, 6-8 weeks of healing, 4-6 months of chemotherapy afterwards, and a possible diagnosis of stage 2 or 3 breast cancer.

After this news, Jon and I both decided I needed to be with my parents for the surgery. I was able to get the time off of work without having to deal with applying for FMLA and I am very blessed to have wonderful in laws who helped me in obtaining a plain ticket.

I flew out to California on Sunday, October 26th the same day as my Primary Program. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I could be with my mom and dad during this time. 

On Monday, October 27th, my mom and I went to UC Davis to meet her surgeon for her Pre-Op appointment where she signed so many release forms that I worried they were going to ask for her first born!! They then discussed the surgery and what to expect after surgery and what she would need to do to help herself get better.

After we left, and we were on our way to lunch, she voiced how scared she was. I can't say that I blamed her. I think I would have been just as scared. I was scared for her!!! So we decided to spend the next few days just focusing on our time together and doing laundry anf grocery shopping.

Mom took me to a few of her favorite places to eat for breakfast and lunch, we did a bunch of shopping, and just enjoyed our time together. 

The night before surgery, her bishop, home teacher, and Relief Society president came over to visit and give her a blessing. My dad gave the most beautiful blessing of peace and calm. The spirit was definitely there. I spoke with her Relief Society president and expressed some of the things that my mom and dad could use help with.

Wednesday, October 29th, we left mom and dad's apartment about 4:45am to be at UC Davis around 5:30am. Surgery scheduled for 7:30am. After mom checked in, they took her back to get prepped for surgery and then brought dad and I back to see her off to surgery.

Surgery lasted for about 3 hours and around 11:30 or so we were able to go into the recovery room and see mom. The doctor talked to us before we went in and explained that he was able to remove the lump, that the lymphnodes showed signs of cancer, but that he was confident he was able to remove all of the cancer. Probably the greatest news we heard all day. He explained that with the cancer being in the lymophnodes, radiation was a possibility after the chemo.

I am not going to lie that being with mom while she was trying to come out of anesthesia was pretty entertaining. Dad and I got a pretty good laugh out of it. And still tease her about some of the things she said. She asked if I filmed it. I told her if she had been getting her wisdom teeth removed, I probably would have. But I didn't feel right about doing that with something this serious.

Mom sat in recovery for over 7 hours due to the fact they couldn't get her blood sugar under control. When they finally got it where they wanted it, they moved her to a room close to 8pm. It was a long day. She was ready to go to sleep and get some much needed rest. Dad and I headed home and immediately went to sleep.

The next day, Thursday, October 30th, dad went to work for a few hours and then in the afternoon went to visit mom. She seemed to be doing pretty good. She had some massagers on her legs to help the blood flow but she was still able to get up and walk around. The nurse showed us how to empty her drains from her incisions.

I'm not going to lie, this part was pretty gross but needed to be done. They had to be emptied about 2-3 times a day and we had to keep record of how much was coming out. After one time of doing this, I pretty much became a pro at it.

After visiting mom on Thursday, dad and I went to lunch and then went to a movie. My dad really likes war movies and they are not everyone's favorite. So I was more than happy to watch Fury with him. It was nice to have some "daddy and Sally time". 

Mom was able to come home on Friday, October 31st. We picked her up and she was more than happy to get home and sleep in her own bed. I was grateful that I was able to stay a few days after she came home. I have to say that she has some great nurses and doctors at UC Davis that took really good care of her. I am so grateful for that.

We got her into somewhat of a routine of emptying her drains, getting her showered, and making her comfortable.We spent Saturday just relaxing, visiting, and watching movies. (When dad wasn't watching BYU football or basketball)

On Sunday, November 2nd, it was time to go home. Leaving was extremely difficult. So much harder than I thought. I didn't like having to leave my mom in the state she was in. But I knew my dad and her ward was going to take really good care of her.

She received the pathology report this last week and was told only one lymphnode had cancer and that the cancer was stage 2 which is incredible news. However, she has to go in sometime in December for a CT Scan as her chest x-ray showed something on her left side. But we will worry about that then.

I am so incredibly proud of my mom. I can not even begin to imagine how terrified and strong she was at the same time. The moment she was diagnosed with cancer, she was determined to battle this head on and that is what she has done. And I know she will continue to fight no matter how hard it gets. She is a fighter and not a quitter. There are not enough adequate words to express how proud I am of my mom's bravery.

This experience has made me stronger in so many ways. It has also helped me reflect on the importance of family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Everything else is just.....trivial. I am so incredibly grateful for the peace and knowledge that I have knowing that no matter what happens in this life, Heavenly Father will take care of us and he will bless us with faith and understanding. I am grateful that I could share this experience with my parents short of going into the operating room. I will never forget this experience and hope that what we can be a support to others around us.

 Balloons from the apartment staff

Flowers from mom's cousin Gloria

Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Recently, my mother, was diagnosed with Stage 2-3 breast cancer. This mean that the cancer has spread to her lymphnodes. She will be having surgery to have her lump removed and a possible double masectomy. The size of the lump will determine what stage of cancer she has. She will also be going through chemotherapy for 4 to 6 months. She will get sick, lose her hair, and probably have some really bad days.

I am worried for her and wish that I lived closer. I want to be able to be there for her during her surgery.

However, as I reflect on this situation, and even though I am scared, sad, upset, shocked, and feeling so many other emotions......I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to. My mom is strong and she as a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that she will be blessed and will be watched over. I know that the Lord gives us challenges and trials that are hard and difficult.....but I also know that he gives us the faith and strength and courage and fortitude to fight those challenges and trials. We are never alone and we have to remember that He will always be with us as long as we allow Him to be. What a wonderful knowledge to have!!

Feeling Blessed

I am feeling extremely blessed today. When we are going through trials and hard times, it is hard to recognize the things that we have been blessed with. Even if they are just little things.

Recently, Jon has lost his job and is now looking for another one. We have experienced many different levels of anxiety and worry but for some reason, we know we will be ok and everything will work out. That is just one trial among many.

Why do I feel blessed? Well, here is why:

I received a very kind email from our bishopric letting us know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and if we are need to not hesitate to ask.

I went outside on my lunch today to find that a sweet friend stopped by to weed my flower beds which desperately needed to be taken care of.

I have a friend who whisked myself and a few other friends on a weekend retreat to get away from our chaotic lives.

I am married to an amazing man who although is unemployed at the time, has found ways to keep himself distracted by finding things around the house that have needed to be taken care of and has also been very helpful.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who I know I can call and vent to whenever it's needed. And I know they will always have my back.

I am blessed with a supportive family who loves us and is always there to cheer us up.

I have a home, job, food, transportation, and all the other daily luxuries that we tend to take for granted.

I have a wonderful calling in our church as Primary President to preside over the young children of our ward. No matter how bad my week is, they always put a smile on my face and help me remember why my calling is so awesome. I also work with 3 fabulous women who keep me on my toes and bring so much to our presidency.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know, without a doubt, that He is my Savior. That He died for me, atoned for my sins, and took upon Himself all my burdens and trials. I know that with Him, we will make it through this difficult time. I am grateful for the faith that I have and the knowledge of knowing that as long as we do what the Lord requires of us, we will be blessed and He will take care of our needs. 

These are the reasons I am feeling blessed. Some are small and some are big. But they are all blessings. I have been reminded that I am loved and that I am not alone.

Heaven is Everywhere

Sorry....it's a little blurry :-)

I had the opportunity to listen to Stephanie Nielson at BYU Women's Conference this past May. I knew bits and pieces of her story but not the full story. However, what I had heard, did inspire me and how she used her faith to inspire and motivate her healing process. She actually spoke on social media at this conference and not about her crash. I was intrigued, grabbed her book, and waited in line to have her sign it. I actually really enjoyed meeting her and her husband and started following her on Instagram as well as her blog.

When I started reading Heaven is Here, I made the same mistake I most of the time make with a new book: reading the reviews on Goodreads. I scrolled through a couple of pages of reviews and most of them were very negative. And I think it ended up tainting the first part of the book for me. But I wanted to finish it because I wanted to know how she overcame this trial and where she drew her strength from. I read it mostly to gain strength for myself to help me through my personal trials.

So I decided to finish it. And I am really glad that I did. I found her story to be beautiful. I cried through probably the whole thing. I can not even begin to imagine the pain and struggle she underwent those first few months in the burn unit and then when she went home. I could not stop crying when I read about her children visiting her, when she first saw what she looked like, and so many other things that she had to endure. 

What an amazing lady!!! I loved how she drew from her faith, the Primary songs, and prayers to help her through her ordeal. I feel truly inspired and hope that I can do the same to overcome my personal trials and suffering. I know there is no way I could ever compare my trials to hers. However, I feel very inspired by her. By someone who thought her life was over and than found the motivation she needed to start her new life with her family. I am grateful that she had the courage to share her story with the rest of us.

P.S. I think my very favorite part is when she described Heaven as being with the ones that you love.

Miami Mormon Reunion

Today, Jon and I had the opportunity to attend a Miami Mormon Reunion. I didn't get to see as many people as I thought, but happy and grateful for the ones that I did get to see.

Some people may not know, but I was born in Utah, we moved to New Jersey when I was about 5, and then to Homestead, Florida when I was about 13. 4 months before Hurricane Andrew. 

Anyway, we made some wonderful friends in both places. My mom has always said that the best place she found to raise her children were in Florida. And she was right. Living so far away from family, our ward and stake became our family.

A very dear family from our old stake in Miami, Michael Fierro, put together this little reunion and invited anyone who could come. I guess they had been doing this for the last few years. But I am so glad I was able to go this year. I was able to introduce Jon to my former Stake President, Michael Madsen, from my adolescent years who was by far the best Stake President I have ever had. One of my former camp and Young Women leaders, Annette Fierro, who I absolutely adored. And a few friends, Angie Madsen, Dale Robbins, and Alysha Fierro, that I hung out with from the stake.

Mind you, none of us were in the same ward, but we were still family. We played games and ate food and just had fun. We talked about Young Women's camp and how Michael F and my Dad were the Priesthood leaders over camp. We talked about how they liked to torment us but always in good fun. We talked about different people in the wards and Stake and what they were doing and how their lives had changed. We laughed together and cried together. It was probably one of the best days I have had in a long time.

Another fun part was reconnecting with a family that we knew in New Jersey who moved to Florida about a year after I was married and happened to move into the same Stake as well.

Nancy and Frank Chavez

They were newly married when we found out we were moving to Florida. While my parents were in Florida looking for a house, this wonderful couple stayed with my siblings and I for about a week. They will forever be known as my New Jersey parents. It was so wonderful to have a chance to catch up with them. I just remember them being one of the neatest couples that we were able to get to know.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with all of these wonderful people today. Like I said, these people were a part of our family. We took care of each other and loved each other. What a wonderful day!!

Miami Mormon Reunion