An Attitude of Gratitude

I have been working on a 40 day conference challenge where I read a conference talk each day. I have loved doing this because I have enjoyed being reminded of the words of our church leaders.

Yesterday I read a the talk "Grateful in Any Circumstance" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He is one of my very favorite speakers and every time I read one of his talks, I can hear him speaking in his German accent in my head. I love it!!

As I reading this talk during the sacrament yesterday, tears came to my eyes. He talks about how we can be grateful no matter what our lives are like at any particular moment. Some might say, "when I overcome this trial, I will be grateful". President Uchtdorf teaches us that this is not the case. Yes, we will be grateful when our trials are over, however, we can still find reasons to be grateful through the trial.

Life is hard for everyone. We all have our struggles. Some of our own doing and some because of the agency of others. Some small and some great. Some that we feel are everlasting and some that are but a small moment. No matter what the struggle is, it is uniquely ours and we must find our own way to overcome.

When we went through 3 rounds of IVF and each one failed, I was devastated. I thought my world was over. I thought there was no use of any more hope. But I eventually found reasons to hope and to have faith. I learned to be grateful for whatever was in my life at that time. One of those things was that I was able to overcome my fear of having my blood drawn. I became such a pro at it that it hardly bothers me.

Our struggle now is the pending layoff of Jon's job and trying to find him a new one. I have always had the feeling that things will work out, but there have been times that have been hard and emotionally draining. But I still know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and will take care of us. 

I believe these are some of the many reasons why this talk speaks so much to me. It reminds me that regardless of my trials, there is always something to be grateful for and that I have been truly blessed more than words can express.

Here are just a few of the things I am grateful for:

- a loving and devoted husband

- the Gospel

- my Savior

- my family

- my friends

- my little dog

- my calling and the opportunity that I have to work with children in my ward

- employment

- a home

- my talents

- my health

And there are so many more.

Because of the Memorial Day holiday, we have a tradition to visit graves of loved ones who have gone before us.

 My Grandpa and Grandma Fenstermaker

 Our nephew Anthony

And my sister Allison

This is something that I am extremely grateful for and reminds me that no matter my circumstances, my family is eternal. What greater blessing is there to have than that?

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?" 

- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Who We Become

"Who we are is not who we become."

- Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

Yesterday, in an early church meeting, a member made a statement that "trials are for our own good." I have thought a lot about that since yesterday and it has made me think a lot about my trials, past and present, and what I have gained from those trials. Another way of looking at it is going through the "refiner's fire".

I use to hate that phrase, refiner's fire. What does that even mean? I came to understand it after Jon and I experienced 3 rounds of failed IVF. At first, I truly thought I was being punished or that I was damaged. I thought that we were being cursed for something that we did in our past. I became very bitter and dark. I thought the life I had dreamed about was over. However, it took me a while, after that experience,to realize that Heavenly Father was strengthening me through that trial. He was molding me me into the person that I am today.

I wasn't being punished or cursed. I wasn't forgotten or unloved. I learned to realize that Heavenly Father happened to have a different plan for me. He was making me stronger and giving me different experiences so I could grow and progress. It wasn't fun by any means, but it was what had to be done. I was truly going through the "refiner's fire". He had a plan set in motion and He obviously had other things in mind for me to learn and accomplish.

One of the things I have learned through this specific trial is this: It is a part of me but it did not define me.

So often I find myself going through little things and think: This is it. This is my life. But that isn't the case. The fact that I have been unable to have my own children will always be a part of my life but it isn't who I am. It doesn't define me as a person. It is just one of the trials I have had to and still overcome in my life. I still had to choose for myself what I wanted my life to be like despite my trials. However, it doesn't make those trials easier.

Lately I have watched several of my friends and family go through different trials in their lives that have been sad and heartbreaking. If I could tell them one thing to get them through the rough times, it would be this: It is a part of you, but it does not define you.

Heavenly Father wants us to grow and progress. He will continue to mold us until we are who he wants us to be. I truly believe that he will always be with us every step of the way. He will continue to show us that who we are today is not we are to become. I know that this particular trial will always be a struggle for me, but I know with Heavenly Father and the Savior, I can get through it and that it is for my own good.

IpsyGlam Bag

Once a month, I receive a pink mailer from a company called Ipsy. In it is a little make-up bag that contains beauty products. Some are samples and some are full size. Each month has a different theme and this month was Natural Picks.

The products included this month are:

- Avene Thermal Spring Water

- pur-lisse Moisturizer

- hey honey take it off exfoliating honey peel off mask

- Sans Tan mineral sunscreen

 - Pacifica mineral eye shadow

The make-up bags are so super cute and fun to use. I use some of mine for lipsticks, lip balms, lotions, make-up products and throw them in my purse. 

This is only $10.00 a month and you can go to ipsy.com. You sign up, take a beauty quiz, and receive this little gift every month. I seriously look forward to it every month. And I love trying out new products. If it's something that I love and can not live without, I'll buy the real thing. But this little baby, I feel, is worth the $10.00 once a month. It makes me happy! I can't wait to try out this new stuff.

We Must Be Kind To Ourselves And Others

I read this quote yesterday and it really spoke to me. 

The world we live in is so chaotic and loud. As women, we feel that we have to measure up to standards that are sometimes unrealistic. Because of this, I think we tend to judge ourselves, as well as others, too harshly.

I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, and I am sure many of you are nodding your heads in agreement. I sometimes expect more from others and I mostly expect more from myself. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to improve. But I also want to be happy with ME.

From personal experience, when I have heard unkind comments or comments in general that I take personally, I tend to judge. When my feelings have been hurt, I tend to judge. I then have to realize that most of these things are not intentional and the world does not revolve around me. Sometimes these things just happen and there may be something else going on. Same with people who live differently from me. Who am I to judge when they are doing what they feel is right and what is best for them? My job is to love them regardless as well as accept them for who they are!!

We also need to love ourselves. I tend to get upset with myself when things don't work out a certain way or if something doesn't come out the way I wanted it to. I also judge my outward appearance and wish that some things about myself I could change. I have to remember to be gentle with myself and to realize that I am still progressing and learning. I have to remember that there are some things I am very good at and some that I am not. And some things I can try and may never be able to do. And that is ok!! 

Heavenly Father loves each of us unconditionally and perfectly regardless of our faults and flaws. This I know!! He wants to lift us up and wants us to do the same to others.

Isn't life hard enough without judging others as well as ourselves? 

Mother's Day (The opinion of an infertile and childless woman)

So.....I am not a fan of Mother's Day. It is actually my least favorite holiday. Going to church, listening to talks about motherhood, listening to the Primary children sing to their mothers. Having to stand up and be recognized and then get a little treat. At least this year it wasn't an indoor plant that will most likely die by tomorrow. All the moms walking around talking about what their children did for them. The homemade gifts. If you haven't guessed by now, I really do not enjoy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is just a hard day for me. It is another reminder that I do not have children. That I am not a mother and I don't have a bunch of littles calling me "Mommy". I went to church today, listened to my Primary children sing to their moms, and then did two hours of sharing time where I helped these children make gifts for their moms. I was happy to do it!! I love these children. They are the highlight of my week!! However, when I came home after 4 hours of church, I was emotionally spent. I sat down in my living room and just started crying. I came home to my loving husband and sweet little dog. But now children. No homemade cards or gifts. No breakfast in bed or flowers. It was pretty lonely. It makes me sad inside. It hurts my heart and it feels like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces all over again.

This Mother's Day, however, was a little bit easier. I already had the mind set that i was going to be focusing on others instead of myself which always seems to make our trials a little easier to bear. A friend at church told me she wasn't going to come to church today, but when she saw that I was, even after all that we have been through, she decided she could do it too. That made me feel so good inside!! And made me feel like I was making a difference. Yesterday, I received a card in the mail form my sister in law with pictures of my sweet nephews and letting me know how much they loved me. I was so touched. I received numerous texts throughout the day letting me know that I was loved and that I was supported.

But the best surprise of all was after church. As I said, when I came home, I was in the middle of my emotional breakdown when the doorbell rang. My first thought was that I didn't want to see anyone but my husband will welcome anyone in. Coming down the hallway were two of my dear friends carrying 5 plants. One for each of my babies. I broke down right then and there. They told me these flowers would come up each year and I could be reminded each year that I was still, indeed, a mother and that I will always remembered. Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for these thoughtful friends. On a day where I see so many of my friends remembered for their sacrifice and selflessness, I feel kind of lost in the shuffle. These amazing friends proved to me otherwise.

I still don't enjoy Mother's Day and this will still be a hard day for me in the coming years. However, there are things about Mother's Day that I do love:

- I have several friends who are amazing mothers and are incredible examples to me. They still struggle and have their hard time, but they still do their best.
- I am reminded that I have been blessed with an incredible mother who has taught me to be selfless, giving, loving, and nurturing.
- I have been blessed with a mother in law who raised a boy into a wonderful man. Had she not done that, I would not have my husband.
- I am reminded that even though I struggle with this day, I have an incredible support system.
- I may not have my own children, but I have 44+ kids that I have the opportunity to nurture and love and teach every week. What a wonderful blessing!

On the hardest day of the year, I am still truly and eternally grateful for my Father in Heaven. I may not have been blessed with the desires of my heart at this time, but I do know one thing......that he loves me. He knows my heart and he knows how to strengthen me when I need it most. I am grateful for my faith and knowledge that if not in the life, but the next, I will be able to raise my children. I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without this knowledge.

Friends

I have these girls in my life and they are pretty special to me. They are my friends. They lift me up, make me smile, make me feel loved, and are there for me when I need them. I feel like we are sisters. I pray for them, fast for them, and love them. They make me laugh and they are there for me when I need to cry. I am grateful for my friends. These amazing woman who have been there for me through my good times and through my bad times. I love these girls and can not imagine my life with out them. Thank you for the friendships.

Life Can Be Challenging

Today has been kind of a challenge. In fact, the last few months have been kind of challenging. However, during my 40 day conference talk challenge, I read Elder Neil L. Andersen's talk about Spiritual Whirlwinds. I love this quote from his talk: "Challenges will come to you, but as you trust in God, they will strengthen your Faith." Is it really that simple? I would like to think it is. Having Faith and Trust doesn't always make our trials go away, but I think it helps ease the burden. However, I don't think I could say it any better than Elder Andersen.

I am grateful for the testimony that I have that the Lord will ease my trials if I will allow him to do so.