Judge Not

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Theresa

Last night was the General Relief Society Broadcast and President Monson gave a wonderful talk on Charity. What I really love about his talk were he thoughts on being judgemental.

One of the stories he shared was of a woman who complained to her husband every time their neighbot put her clothes out to dry. She would complain that this woman did not know how to clean her laundry well enough. One day, as she looked out the window to watch her neighbor put her clothes out, she exclaimed how clean they were and that her neighbor finally learned how to do her laundry. Her husband responded that he had awoke early that morning and cleaned their windows.

So President Monson posed that question as to how clean are our windows??

I liked this because it really made me think about the times I have judged other's too harshly. Did I give them the chance to explain their actions? Did I try to see in some people what others saw in them?

I discussed this with Jon and he kind of turned it around on me. I can be pretty self conscious and not the most out going person. When I have a hard time getting to know someone, I tend to put myself down with the idea that they wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me. Jon had explained that not only was I judging the other party, I was judging myself. I have never looked at it that way. I also realized that not only was I not giving the other person a chance, I wasn't giving myself a chance.

I have also learned from President Monson's words was that we should be tolerant and lenient of others. I find this very important because we never know what someone else might be dealing with at some point in their lives. People will always make mistakes and at one point or another, will do something that will upset us. However, it is our responsibility to be forgiving. We should also try to look for the good in others no matter their outside appearance. Someone may be crippled, diseased, deformed, etc. on the outside, but that doesn't mean that their heart is.

I am so glad that I went to this meeting. It gave me the spiritual boost that I needed and I feel very rejuvenated.

What It's All About

So, lately, I have really been struggling with our IVF fail. Plus all the other things that piled on top of us after that. We are just barely starting to get out of our rut. Jon is going back school which give him something to focus on. He also going to physical therapy for his back. And he working full time. So he is a busy guy. I, on the other hand, have my job, our little dog, Dixie, and my new calling at church. Ward Choir President. Plus, I run the book club for our Relief Society. I've also started exercising. Now you would think all those things would keep me fairly busy and focused. Yet, I wasn't feeling the satisfaction. In fact, a friend at church asked me what I needed and I replied, " Something good to happen in my life." I know, not very positive. Also, sounding very selfish.

So, the other day, I was at a friends house watching TV. We have a show we both love and then one she got me addicted to. As I was sitting there, it gave me some time to reflect. And I realized.......this is what life is all about. Spending time with those you love and who love you. Whether it be family, friends, etc. Since then, I have thought about all the good things in my life and all of the blessings that I have.

Here is my list:

- The Gospel
- My Testimony
- My husband....who works so hard at school and his job
- My little dog who keeps me going
- Wonderful friends who make me want to be a better person and who look out for us
- 5 sisters and 3 brothers
- My parents and Jon's parents
- 4 nieces and 3 nephews
- Playing with my nephew, Max
- My musical talents
- Being able to read so I can fill my mind with good things
- A home
- My job
- My girl parties every week to watch our favorite tv shows
- My health
- My frozen embryo
- Being able to visit with my grandmother each week
- Knowing if I have a problem, I have lots of people I can rely on
- The means to meet our need each week and month
- Tithing

And I'm sure there are so many more that I haven't thought of. I have realized that I am a lot more fortunate than some and I need to remember that. Does that make my trials easier??? Not necessarily. But it helps. I have so much to be thankful for.

Support Group

O.kay.....here's the deal. I used to think that support groups were hoakey and dumb. I thought they were only for people who were alcoholics or drug addicts. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in a circle with a bunch of people I don't know and talk about my 'feelings'. I had made up my mind that I would never join a support group because I already had all the support I needed, ie. friends, family, etc.

A friend of mine was telling me about this online support group for infertility. She told me that there were all these women who posted online about what they were experiencing with their infertility and that every situation was different. I would say, "Oh. That's nice. But I don't think that's for me." She said it had really helped her to get through the bad times because all of these women understood what she was going through. And I would think that I really didn't need anything like that at all. I was not going to give up my pride.

The last few weeks I have really been struggling with my emotions about the IVF not working. I was just stuck in this rut that I couldn't get out of. So what did I do???? I emailed this friend for the web link of this group, I decided to give it a few days and if I really hated it I could just quit. Isn't that what our parents used to say when they encouraged us to do something that we thought we would really hate?? They would say we could always quit and it would be o.kay, right?? Our parents were pretty sneaky and sly because they knew we would love it. That's what happened to me. I signed up for this group and I LOVE IT!!!!

It is so freeing and therapeutic. I can read about different experiences and post my own experiences. I can vent all I want and these women get it and completely understand. They comment with advice and support and just positive thoughts. And I think I like it better than face to face. I never thought I would.

Now....this doesn't replace my friends, family, the Gospel, or Heavenly Father. But it definitely helps. It makes me feel like what I am feeling and going through is normal. I feel normal!!

IVF Follow-Up

Yesterday, we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Heiner. This was very emotional for both of us. I was doing pretty good all day until I walked into his office. I just broke down and cried. He was very empathetic as well as disappointed that things had not worked out in our favor. We told us that we deserved things to work for us. Everything went very smoothly. I reacted to the medications, I produced several eggs and out of 23 eggs, we got 3 good embryos.

He explained that the reason IVF didn't work this time was the genetics of the embryos and assured us that it had nothing to do with either one of us. He exlpained the sometimes the genes of the embryo whe fertilize won't aloow it to develop or it just doesn't have the right genes. He explained that this is very common and that women who ARE able to get pregnant, don't get pregnant every month because of this reason. This made sene to me and answered alot of our questions. It made me feel even better that it has nothing to do with me. Some embryos just don't stick. I asked if this could be a problem with our frozen embryo and he said it's possible. Unfortunately, we won't know until we try. That is where faith comes in.

Where we are at now:
We have a 5 cell embryo in frozen storage that made it to day 6 and blasotcyst. This means this one embryo made it further than the two transfered. The definition of a blastocyst is - an embryo that has developed for five to seven days after fertilization and has developed 2 distinct cell types and a central cavity filled with fluid (blastocoel cavity). The cells in a blastocyst have just started to differentiate. The surface cells that surround the cavity (just under the outer shell) are called the trophectoderm and will later develop into the placenta. The more centrally located group of cells are called the inner cell mass and will become the fetus. So, this embryo is further developed.

Also, this frozen embryo was of poor quality on the day they transfered the other two embryos and was not expected to make it. So, it's a fighter. It went from 'poor' to 'good' in three days. However, our success rate with a frozen embryo is 40% and the success of it surviving the thaw is 30%. Not very high ratings, however I have read and heard success stories of frozen embryos working. If we choose, the soonest we can start again is November which gives us some time to pray and think about our next step. We have not decided that this is when we will try again. We have alot of things to take into consideration. It will also cost less and the medications won't be so hard on my body.

We are feeling more positive after our follow-up. Our doctor was very encouraging and told us after what we have just gone through, we can handle anything. This has been a very emotional rollercoaster, as you can imagine. We are more aware of the risks and the odds and I think we can be more prepared for either outcome. However, we are not giving up. It still hurts and the feelings are still very close to the surface. But we know that we have a great support team and several prayers floating around.

We have come to the decision, that going forward, we are going to keep our next round very private. I will not be blogging or posting anything on Facebook. This was actually a very easy decision for us to make. On top of dealing with a negative result, it was just as hard to spread that news to all of our family and friends and see them hurt just as much as we were.

We want each of you to know how grateful we are for you friendship, prayers, and thoughts. We know that you are rooting for us and that means the world to us. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives. We know that we have alot of people who love us and care about us and I know we could not have come as far as we did without a lot of you.

I am so grateful for my testimony and the Gospel. I'm grateful for my faith and the knowledge that we are not alone in all of this. That has been a great strength to me through out all of this.

We love you all.