Today is the last day of August and I am bittersweet about this month ending. This has probably been the longest month of my life. It has also probably been one of the hardest in a very long time. As many of you know, this month started off with the terrible news of our first round of IVF not working. This pretty much started a snowball effect.
We found out that both cars need repairs. Mine needs a new belt and the truck needs two new tires. Also, because we live in a community with an HOA, we are required to restain our deck a new color. This wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't stained two years ago and are now being asked to redo it a new color. This just kind of added to the stress. Then, our dryer went out last week. On top of that, I received a note from my OB/GYN stating if I cancel an appointment without a 24 hour notice, I'll be charged $75. Background: I had an exam scheduled during our IVF treatment and it was right after the embryo transfer. I didn't feel it wise to go to this exam because I wasn't sure how that would affect the transfer. So I cancelled and obviously waited too long. On top of everything else, I started getting sick yesterday.
Now some of this may seem petty and silly to be frustrated about. However, when your month starts off hard to begin with, everything else seems just a little bit worse than it is. This is why I am happy to have August done and over with and start with a new leaf tomorrow, September 1st.
However, August has brought alot of sweet things into our life. Here is the list:
- Just hours and days after finding out IVF didn't work this time, we had some amazimg support. IE: email, text, treats and dinners brought by, gifts, hugs, phone calls, thinking of you cards, etc.
- My sister, brother, and sister in-law were able to come for a short visit. And it was perfect timing.
- The first meeting of book club. And it was a huge success and has now given me so many more book club meetings to look forward too.
- Attending our nephew's first football game of the year and seeing them win.
- Going to dinner with friends.
- Receiving my book, Mockingjay.
- Celebrating our niece's 5ht birthday. Happy Birthday, Mandy!!
- Attending the Relief Society Talent Auction.
- Jon starting school.
And so many more things I'm sure I'm not mentioning.
Now, tomorrow is September 1st which means a new month and a new chance to start fresh. And it gives me some things to look forward to.
- Our follow-up appointment with Dr. Heiner.
- Book club where we will be reading God's Smuggler.
- The start of Fall
- Hopefully, the weather getting cooler where long walks will be more enjoyable.
- More football games, little league along with Ute Football
And I'm sure there are so many more blessings on the horizon. I am determined to make September a good month. I know that I will have alot to look forward to as the year is closely coming to an end and I think tomorrow is a good day to start off on.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My Fun Siblings
On the weekend of August 13th thru the 16th, Jon and I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time with my sister, brother and sister in-law, who were visiting from Florida. It was just a quick trip but definitely worth it. That Friday, the 13th, we went to dinner at Wingers and headed back to our place from movies and games. We were up very late.
The next day, Jon had to be at work very early in the morning, so I rode the Trax to downtown and spent all day with Brenda, Scott, and Liz. We had dinner at the Lion House cafe. Jon doesn't like it so the only time I get to eat there is when my family is visiting. After that, Scott and Liz did a session at the Salt Lake Temple and Brenda and I walked all over downtown. We shopped at Deseret Book, went to the North and South visitor center's on Temple Square, and then sat on the plaza between the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and Temple Square. We just sat and visited and counted how many couples were getting married. I think we lost count. But we had lots of fun admiring the different wedding dresses. Jon met us for dinner and we went to Haggerman's Bakery for sandwich's. Then Jon headed home while the rest of us walked down to The Gateway and shopped at Barnes and Noble. Because, you know, they only have Barnes and Noble in Utah (ha ha). We went back to my house and stayed up until midnight playing games. My family is really in to playing games.
On Sunday, Scott ad Liz went to church with us and afterwards, we headed to my Grandma's for a family dinner. I had a great time visiting with my cousin's that I don't see very often ad I think my Grandma enjoyed seeing everyone. But tired out quickly. My Grandpa kept up his yard very well and since his passing, my Uncle Kim has taken over and has done the yard justice. So, we took the opportunity to have him take some family pictures of Jon and I and the sibs. They came out really well, I think.
Monday was our last evening together. We met at The Gateway for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen and then walked down to Barnes and Noble again. Because if you remember, there isn't a Barnes and Noble anywhere else in the US. The sibs had to catch a 10 o'clock flight, so, we said our good-bye's and parted ways. It was hard to say good-bye, but it was time to get back to our routine., They came to visit at the perfect time and the visit was very much needed. I hope to see them again soon.
My cute sisters!!! Liz and Brenda
Brenda and the Christus
Jon and Sally
The Siblings
Scott and Liz
Scott, Brenda, and Liz
The Tippetts Kids
Sisters
Brothers
Scott and Liz
The next day, Jon had to be at work very early in the morning, so I rode the Trax to downtown and spent all day with Brenda, Scott, and Liz. We had dinner at the Lion House cafe. Jon doesn't like it so the only time I get to eat there is when my family is visiting. After that, Scott and Liz did a session at the Salt Lake Temple and Brenda and I walked all over downtown. We shopped at Deseret Book, went to the North and South visitor center's on Temple Square, and then sat on the plaza between the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and Temple Square. We just sat and visited and counted how many couples were getting married. I think we lost count. But we had lots of fun admiring the different wedding dresses. Jon met us for dinner and we went to Haggerman's Bakery for sandwich's. Then Jon headed home while the rest of us walked down to The Gateway and shopped at Barnes and Noble. Because, you know, they only have Barnes and Noble in Utah (ha ha). We went back to my house and stayed up until midnight playing games. My family is really in to playing games.
On Sunday, Scott ad Liz went to church with us and afterwards, we headed to my Grandma's for a family dinner. I had a great time visiting with my cousin's that I don't see very often ad I think my Grandma enjoyed seeing everyone. But tired out quickly. My Grandpa kept up his yard very well and since his passing, my Uncle Kim has taken over and has done the yard justice. So, we took the opportunity to have him take some family pictures of Jon and I and the sibs. They came out really well, I think.
Monday was our last evening together. We met at The Gateway for dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen and then walked down to Barnes and Noble again. Because if you remember, there isn't a Barnes and Noble anywhere else in the US. The sibs had to catch a 10 o'clock flight, so, we said our good-bye's and parted ways. It was hard to say good-bye, but it was time to get back to our routine., They came to visit at the perfect time and the visit was very much needed. I hope to see them again soon.
My cute sisters!!! Liz and Brenda
Brenda and the Christus
Jon and Sally
The Siblings
Scott and Liz
Scott, Brenda, and Liz
The Tippetts Kids
Sisters
Brothers
Scott and LizMonday, August 9, 2010
Difficult News
On July 25th, we had two cute, little embryos implanted into my uterus to grow. Two weeks from the day, we went in for our pregnancy test and received the phone call we had been dreading. The test came back negative. Jon kept asking what our next step was and the nurse told us to take our time to allow things to sink in and grieve and when we were ready, Dr. Heiner would do a free consult with us to decide our next steps. We do have another embryo frozen waiting for us, so we will try again. We just don't know when. Maybe in a few months or in a year or two.
This last week, before finding out, was the hardest week of my life. I cried everyday and started spotting. The spotting really freaked me out. But I think at the point, I realized this probably wasn't going to work. But I didn't want to believe it. So I continuted to be positive. We even went to the temple and went to church yesterday to aprtake of the scrament. That's where we heard the news. When I look back, we probably should have stayed home, but I knew we needed to take the scrament and renew our covenants with our Heavenly Father. As soon as we were off the phone, we mad a bee line for the front door. I knew if we got stopped, I would lose it right there on the spot.
As soon as we got home, we both broke down. It was horrible!! We felt like someone had punched us in the gut and ripped our hearts out and did the flamenco on them. We just still couldn't believe it. I kept wondering if I did something worng or if there was something different I could have done. Of course, Jon directed his anger at the doctor. We just couldn't beleive it!! we were so sure this would work in our favor. But Heavenly Father has a different plan for us.
We proceeded to text our friends and family. I know, cowardly. I posted a message on Facebook to get the word out. People wanted to come over and comfort us and make sure we were o.kay. But we asked for our space. We need the time to comfort ourselve's before we can comfort others. So, to prevent any face to face communication, we took off in the truck for a little while. Later, we found out Jon's sister stopped by with much needed junki food. we felt bad that we missed her and hope that she forgive's us. I did take two phone calls. One from my mom, which was heartbreaking, and another from my friend, Heidi, who wanted to let me know she had been thinking of me. We also accepted a surprise visitor. Our sweet bishop, Bishop Croshaw. He brought us som homemade bread and then sat and cried with us both. He offered us some sweet words of wisdom and left our house with a prayer.
Now, some people in our place would be bitter, angry, frustrated, sad, heartbroken, emotional, and would shake their fist's to the heaven's saying, "Why?". We feel all of those things. We are very hurt and disappointed and that will take some time to heal. And I know we have a wonderful support system of family and friends that we can rely on. However, I don't regret doing this. I don't regret the shots, medications, daily ultrasounds and blood draws, or the thousand's we paid for this procedure. If we hadn't tried, I would have never known if we could do it. No it wasn't a positive outcome this round, but it was still a bridge we had to cross. Not only that, we have been extremely blessed along the way. we have developed friendships we didn't realize were there and our faith was increased. And I know when we try again, we'll have those things again including our family.
I am still hurt and angry and will start crying sporadically. But I'm only human right? I can sit here and think of all the reasons why this isn't fair and build a "crap" list. But I would rather be humble and think of all my blessings. So here they are:
I am thankful for:
My realtionships with my husband
Our parents and family
Our ward
Our friendships
To have shelter and food
Steady incomes
Jon going back to school
Our cute little dog
My faith and testimony
And most importantly, my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
We are very grateful for all of the prayers and thoughts in our behalf. We know that we have amazing family and friends who care about us and love us. we are very blessed and we know that. If you call or text and I don't reply, please don't be offended. I'm just not ready to talk yet. We are still healing. Love to you all.
This last week, before finding out, was the hardest week of my life. I cried everyday and started spotting. The spotting really freaked me out. But I think at the point, I realized this probably wasn't going to work. But I didn't want to believe it. So I continuted to be positive. We even went to the temple and went to church yesterday to aprtake of the scrament. That's where we heard the news. When I look back, we probably should have stayed home, but I knew we needed to take the scrament and renew our covenants with our Heavenly Father. As soon as we were off the phone, we mad a bee line for the front door. I knew if we got stopped, I would lose it right there on the spot.
As soon as we got home, we both broke down. It was horrible!! We felt like someone had punched us in the gut and ripped our hearts out and did the flamenco on them. We just still couldn't believe it. I kept wondering if I did something worng or if there was something different I could have done. Of course, Jon directed his anger at the doctor. We just couldn't beleive it!! we were so sure this would work in our favor. But Heavenly Father has a different plan for us.
We proceeded to text our friends and family. I know, cowardly. I posted a message on Facebook to get the word out. People wanted to come over and comfort us and make sure we were o.kay. But we asked for our space. We need the time to comfort ourselve's before we can comfort others. So, to prevent any face to face communication, we took off in the truck for a little while. Later, we found out Jon's sister stopped by with much needed junki food. we felt bad that we missed her and hope that she forgive's us. I did take two phone calls. One from my mom, which was heartbreaking, and another from my friend, Heidi, who wanted to let me know she had been thinking of me. We also accepted a surprise visitor. Our sweet bishop, Bishop Croshaw. He brought us som homemade bread and then sat and cried with us both. He offered us some sweet words of wisdom and left our house with a prayer.
Now, some people in our place would be bitter, angry, frustrated, sad, heartbroken, emotional, and would shake their fist's to the heaven's saying, "Why?". We feel all of those things. We are very hurt and disappointed and that will take some time to heal. And I know we have a wonderful support system of family and friends that we can rely on. However, I don't regret doing this. I don't regret the shots, medications, daily ultrasounds and blood draws, or the thousand's we paid for this procedure. If we hadn't tried, I would have never known if we could do it. No it wasn't a positive outcome this round, but it was still a bridge we had to cross. Not only that, we have been extremely blessed along the way. we have developed friendships we didn't realize were there and our faith was increased. And I know when we try again, we'll have those things again including our family.
I am still hurt and angry and will start crying sporadically. But I'm only human right? I can sit here and think of all the reasons why this isn't fair and build a "crap" list. But I would rather be humble and think of all my blessings. So here they are:
I am thankful for:
My realtionships with my husband
Our parents and family
Our ward
Our friendships
To have shelter and food
Steady incomes
Jon going back to school
Our cute little dog
My faith and testimony
And most importantly, my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
We are very grateful for all of the prayers and thoughts in our behalf. We know that we have amazing family and friends who care about us and love us. we are very blessed and we know that. If you call or text and I don't reply, please don't be offended. I'm just not ready to talk yet. We are still healing. Love to you all.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
I found this on a friends blog and it completely describe's everything I have been feeling lately.
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."
The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!
These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.
Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."
~ Anonymous
I have heard all of these comments as well as "Why spend all that money when there is no guarantee?" Or, "If you do infertility treatments, you could end up with 80 babies." This last one might sound funny but it isn't. And that I'm sure is me being overly sensitive. Although I don't think these comments are meant to be intentionally hurtful or insensitive, I know it's hard to understand something you have never experienced.
I will be the first to admit that I found it easy to joke and laugh at myself with my infertility. But once I started the treatments, I didn't find it funny anymore. It's emotional, heartbreaking, tiring, and takes a physical toll on your body. People make comments such as "better you than me" or " I don't think I could ever do that." Believe me, if you want a baby bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes. If, people in general, took a good look at their precious babies and children now and think about, "What if I had to pay thousand's of dollars, take shots everyday, have blood draws and ultrasounds everyday to get this end result?" Believe me, you would do it in a heartbeat no questions asked. However, this is not the path for everyone. This is my path and these are my feelings and I am grateful for the those who have been our support system. I am most grateful for my faith and testimony that God has a plan for each of us and this happens to be my plan.
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "you can always adopt," or "things happen for a reason", or the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."
The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me!
These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people can't see infertility for what it is -- a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get back up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I hope I haven't let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility for anyone, I can't deny that a more fertile woman could ever know the joy that awaits me.
Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know..."
~ Anonymous
I have heard all of these comments as well as "Why spend all that money when there is no guarantee?" Or, "If you do infertility treatments, you could end up with 80 babies." This last one might sound funny but it isn't. And that I'm sure is me being overly sensitive. Although I don't think these comments are meant to be intentionally hurtful or insensitive, I know it's hard to understand something you have never experienced.
I will be the first to admit that I found it easy to joke and laugh at myself with my infertility. But once I started the treatments, I didn't find it funny anymore. It's emotional, heartbreaking, tiring, and takes a physical toll on your body. People make comments such as "better you than me" or " I don't think I could ever do that." Believe me, if you want a baby bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes. If, people in general, took a good look at their precious babies and children now and think about, "What if I had to pay thousand's of dollars, take shots everyday, have blood draws and ultrasounds everyday to get this end result?" Believe me, you would do it in a heartbeat no questions asked. However, this is not the path for everyone. This is my path and these are my feelings and I am grateful for the those who have been our support system. I am most grateful for my faith and testimony that God has a plan for each of us and this happens to be my plan.
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