Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Recently, my mother, was diagnosed with Stage 2-3 breast cancer. This mean that the cancer has spread to her lymphnodes. She will be having surgery to have her lump removed and a possible double masectomy. The size of the lump will determine what stage of cancer she has. She will also be going through chemotherapy for 4 to 6 months. She will get sick, lose her hair, and probably have some really bad days.

I am worried for her and wish that I lived closer. I want to be able to be there for her during her surgery.

However, as I reflect on this situation, and even though I am scared, sad, upset, shocked, and feeling so many other emotions......I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to. My mom is strong and she as a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that she will be blessed and will be watched over. I know that the Lord gives us challenges and trials that are hard and difficult.....but I also know that he gives us the faith and strength and courage and fortitude to fight those challenges and trials. We are never alone and we have to remember that He will always be with us as long as we allow Him to be. What a wonderful knowledge to have!!

Feeling Blessed

I am feeling extremely blessed today. When we are going through trials and hard times, it is hard to recognize the things that we have been blessed with. Even if they are just little things.

Recently, Jon has lost his job and is now looking for another one. We have experienced many different levels of anxiety and worry but for some reason, we know we will be ok and everything will work out. That is just one trial among many.

Why do I feel blessed? Well, here is why:

I received a very kind email from our bishopric letting us know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and if we are need to not hesitate to ask.

I went outside on my lunch today to find that a sweet friend stopped by to weed my flower beds which desperately needed to be taken care of.

I have a friend who whisked myself and a few other friends on a weekend retreat to get away from our chaotic lives.

I am married to an amazing man who although is unemployed at the time, has found ways to keep himself distracted by finding things around the house that have needed to be taken care of and has also been very helpful.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who I know I can call and vent to whenever it's needed. And I know they will always have my back.

I am blessed with a supportive family who loves us and is always there to cheer us up.

I have a home, job, food, transportation, and all the other daily luxuries that we tend to take for granted.

I have a wonderful calling in our church as Primary President to preside over the young children of our ward. No matter how bad my week is, they always put a smile on my face and help me remember why my calling is so awesome. I also work with 3 fabulous women who keep me on my toes and bring so much to our presidency.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know, without a doubt, that He is my Savior. That He died for me, atoned for my sins, and took upon Himself all my burdens and trials. I know that with Him, we will make it through this difficult time. I am grateful for the faith that I have and the knowledge of knowing that as long as we do what the Lord requires of us, we will be blessed and He will take care of our needs. 

These are the reasons I am feeling blessed. Some are small and some are big. But they are all blessings. I have been reminded that I am loved and that I am not alone.

Heaven is Everywhere

Sorry....it's a little blurry :-)

I had the opportunity to listen to Stephanie Nielson at BYU Women's Conference this past May. I knew bits and pieces of her story but not the full story. However, what I had heard, did inspire me and how she used her faith to inspire and motivate her healing process. She actually spoke on social media at this conference and not about her crash. I was intrigued, grabbed her book, and waited in line to have her sign it. I actually really enjoyed meeting her and her husband and started following her on Instagram as well as her blog.

When I started reading Heaven is Here, I made the same mistake I most of the time make with a new book: reading the reviews on Goodreads. I scrolled through a couple of pages of reviews and most of them were very negative. And I think it ended up tainting the first part of the book for me. But I wanted to finish it because I wanted to know how she overcame this trial and where she drew her strength from. I read it mostly to gain strength for myself to help me through my personal trials.

So I decided to finish it. And I am really glad that I did. I found her story to be beautiful. I cried through probably the whole thing. I can not even begin to imagine the pain and struggle she underwent those first few months in the burn unit and then when she went home. I could not stop crying when I read about her children visiting her, when she first saw what she looked like, and so many other things that she had to endure. 

What an amazing lady!!! I loved how she drew from her faith, the Primary songs, and prayers to help her through her ordeal. I feel truly inspired and hope that I can do the same to overcome my personal trials and suffering. I know there is no way I could ever compare my trials to hers. However, I feel very inspired by her. By someone who thought her life was over and than found the motivation she needed to start her new life with her family. I am grateful that she had the courage to share her story with the rest of us.

P.S. I think my very favorite part is when she described Heaven as being with the ones that you love.

Miami Mormon Reunion

Today, Jon and I had the opportunity to attend a Miami Mormon Reunion. I didn't get to see as many people as I thought, but happy and grateful for the ones that I did get to see.

Some people may not know, but I was born in Utah, we moved to New Jersey when I was about 5, and then to Homestead, Florida when I was about 13. 4 months before Hurricane Andrew. 

Anyway, we made some wonderful friends in both places. My mom has always said that the best place she found to raise her children were in Florida. And she was right. Living so far away from family, our ward and stake became our family.

A very dear family from our old stake in Miami, Michael Fierro, put together this little reunion and invited anyone who could come. I guess they had been doing this for the last few years. But I am so glad I was able to go this year. I was able to introduce Jon to my former Stake President, Michael Madsen, from my adolescent years who was by far the best Stake President I have ever had. One of my former camp and Young Women leaders, Annette Fierro, who I absolutely adored. And a few friends, Angie Madsen, Dale Robbins, and Alysha Fierro, that I hung out with from the stake.

Mind you, none of us were in the same ward, but we were still family. We played games and ate food and just had fun. We talked about Young Women's camp and how Michael F and my Dad were the Priesthood leaders over camp. We talked about how they liked to torment us but always in good fun. We talked about different people in the wards and Stake and what they were doing and how their lives had changed. We laughed together and cried together. It was probably one of the best days I have had in a long time.

Another fun part was reconnecting with a family that we knew in New Jersey who moved to Florida about a year after I was married and happened to move into the same Stake as well.

Nancy and Frank Chavez

They were newly married when we found out we were moving to Florida. While my parents were in Florida looking for a house, this wonderful couple stayed with my siblings and I for about a week. They will forever be known as my New Jersey parents. It was so wonderful to have a chance to catch up with them. I just remember them being one of the neatest couples that we were able to get to know.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with all of these wonderful people today. Like I said, these people were a part of our family. We took care of each other and loved each other. What a wonderful day!!

Miami Mormon Reunion

We Are Enough

I recently read a conference talk by Linda K. Burton, General Relief Society President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The title of this talk was Wanted: Hands and Hearts to Hasten the Work. 

There was a part of this talk that stood out to me. She talked about how we, as woman, can know our divine heritage. She talked about how in the scriptures, a young man had told Jesus that was keeping the commandments but wanted to know what he was still lacking. Jesus explained to this young man that if he would make himself perfect and "come ad follow me", he would know of the treasures of heaven.

Sister Burton stated that the Greek translation of perfect is "complete". She asked us to not beat ourselves up. 

She then stated:

"As we try our best to move forward along the covenant path, we become more complete and perfect in this life."

I went and read this part quite a few times and it just really stuck with me.

This is something that I have been thinking about quite a bit lately as I have visited with friends and listened to their various trials and things that have been hard for them. I then thought about my trials and different things that I have and am still going through that are hard and challenging.

I will admit that I have felt inadequate, less than perfect, etc., etc. I felt my self-worth depleted at times and that there is no way I can go any further. I have felt that no matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough. No matter how hard I try, there will never be a difference.

But then I think about this talk and Sister Burton's wise words. And when I think of these words, I realize that I am still striving to perfection/"completion". It jut takes time.

We, as women, tend to be too hard on ourselves. Some of us are single, married, childless, stay at home mothers, working mothers, etc., etc. We are all in different stages in our lives. Yet, we tend to not only put ourselves down, but we compare ourselves to each other. 

We need to remember that what we are doing now is enough. We ARE enough!!! We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

As someone who has always dreamed of being a mother and a stay at home mom, my life has obviously gone down a different path. I used to feel that I was not good enough and that I didn't "fit in", so to speak. After doing a lot of soul searching and prayer, I realized that I am enough. I am who I am and I am striving to live my life to the best of my ability. I offer as much as I can and realize that what I am able to offer is enough. I have realized that as long as I do my best, I will still be blessed. I will become more complete.

So.....I challenge all who read this to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I am doing the best I can and I am enough." Let's love ourselves and others a little bit better!!

Hogle Zoo with Owen

On Saturday, Jon and I took our sweet nephew Owen to the zoo. Utah has such a fun zoo called Hogle Zoo. It has been on of my favorite zoos. My mom has been going to this zoo since she was little and every time we made a visit to Utah when I was growing up, we had to to hit the zoo.

Owen came to spend the weekend with us and I decided he was ready to visit the zoo and take up this tradition my mom had started with us.

We arrived pretty early and the first thing Owen saw was the train. He wanted to go on the train so badly but we told him we would do that the very end. So we walked around and saw so many different animals.

We saw zebras, elephants, bears, seals, rhinos, chickens, peacocks, monkeys, lions, tigers, etc., etc.

We watched an elephant show where one elephant painted holding a brush in his trunk and another elephant did a headstand. At the polar bear exhibit, you could stand right at the glass and watch the polar bear come up and look at all the kids and then he would do a backstroke. We could watch this for hours. We also watched the rhinos being fed and watched the seal show.

I was able to convince Owen to ride the carousel and he picked a giraffe to ride on. He actually quite enjoyed it. I also had to get a picture by Leo the Lion. However, Owen wasn't too keen on putting his head in his mouth to get a drink.

The Hogle Zoo now has a splash pad called Lighthouse Point, and I think this was probably one of the highlights of the zoo visit. We let Owen play for at least 20 to 30 minutes until he was completely soaked. But I have never seen such pure joy on a little boys face.

After all the walking around and eating some snacks, it was finally time to ride the train. This kid was so excited to get on this train and waited so patiently in line to board. After we got in the car to go home, Owen's little voice piped up and said "Sally.....I loved the train!"

I am so glad we took him to this fun place and that he has so much fun. We are al exhausted afterwards, but decided it was totally worth it. Thanks Owen to going to the zoo with with us. And thank you to Liz and Scott for sharing this sweet little boy with us.

Just a few more fun pics of this cute little guy: