Cancer and The Gospel

It has been a little over a year since I have last posted and it has been a crazy year! I have traveled back to California numerous times to visit my mom an dad during my mom's cancer treatments. She had been doing well with treatment until August 2015 when another form of breast cancer was found despite chemo and radiation.

She underwent yet another surgery and started chemo again but at a much more aggressive approach due to the high risk of the 2nd cancer coming back.

I had the opportunity to visit with mom and dad over Thanksgiving 2015 before she started her next round of treatment. We had no idea how taxing this 2nd round would be on her body.

Two months later, our family's world changed forever......

On January 29th, my mother passed away peacefully after a week of being in the hospital due to her body going into septic shock. Her body fought hard, but she had decided she was ready to go. Ready to reunite with her mom and dad and her darling daughter Allison.

My father, siblings, and I had the chance to be with her in that last week, even though she was lucid for only a few days. We were able to talk to her, share stories of her grandson, sit with her, and witness tender moments between her and my father. 

A few days before she passed, we had the opportunity to have a family prayer where each of us said a prayer and thank and plead to Heavenly Father to grant his will and that we would be able to accept it.

She told us she loved us, hugged us as well as she could while hooked up to several monitors, and kept her sense of humor to the end.

The last few days, the Spirit was very strong. I think I knew it was her time yet still struggled, and still do, to accept it.

A night or two before she passed, her bishop came to visit and as he was looking at her, she looked to the side of him and kept staring. My first thought was that there was someone there in the room to see her. Who it was, I have no idea. But there was a visitor ready to take her.

We had a beautiful service for her in California where we had the most amazing support from family and friends. And come this summer, we will prepare to lay her in her final resting spot.

I still can't believe it has already been a month since my mom has graduated from this life and is now an angel watching over me. However, I have learned a lot over the last few weeks or so......

The gospel of Jesus Christ and His love for us is real. Heavenly Father hears our prayers and answers them. Maybe not in the way that we would prefer, but He knows what the best answer is. 

Family is everything. Families are eternal and I am so grateful for this knowledge and blessing. Because of this, I know I will see my mother again. I love my brother and sister and my dad. I love that they are my family and that this is the family I was meant to be a part of.

I am grateful for wonderful friends and extended family and how much love and support they showed us and are still showing us during this time. Friends are so special and know when to lift you up when you need it most.

Heavenly Father has his own time line that doesn't necessarily match up with ours. But I have the faith and continue to ask for the faith that He knows what is best for us to grow and progress.

I am so incredibly grateful for the testimony that I have for this gospel and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without, even in the loneliest of times, I know I am not alone. And through the sacrifice of our Savior and His atonement, we can be with our loved ones again.

This is still a grieving process where I have my good days and my not so good days. But I know it will get easier. I know Heavenly Father is with me along with my mother and Savior.

Cancer is a very awful thing and makes it so hard to watch a loved one fight it to the end. But I don't believe my mother lost the battle. She fought hard and won over this earthly life. Death is not the end! I'm proud of her. She will forever be my hero.

All I Want for Christmas....

About 4 or 5 years ago, when Jon and I started our journey on IVF, one of the things I dreamed about the most was Christmas morning. The excitement in my children's eyes as they rushed down the stairs to see what Santa brought them. Making cookies and delivering neighbors gifts. Buying the perfect outfit for the Christmas Sacrament meeting. And so much more.

As each IVF failed, I saw my dreams slowly slip away. Since then, whenever Jon has asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said I just want a baby. By this time, we should have at least a 3 year old. But, Christmas morning is very lonely. We wake up, open our gifts, eat breakfast, relax, visit family, and then come back to a dark, lonely house. We don't have the joy of watching our children open the gifts they have been anxiously waiting for or hear their squeals of delight. I would even take listening to a little bit of arguing or whining because the doll or truck wasn't exactly what they wanted. So each year, we try to make our Christmas just a little bit more special for us.

This year as been a little bit more difficult with Jon out of a job, my mom battling breast cancer, and the same sad feeling of no children. I was at a point where I decided celebrating was trivial when compared to our hardships. I wasn't going to do a tree or decorate. I was just going to let the season go by. However, slowly I started getting into the Christmas spirit and realized I would be sad and disappointed if I didn't at least decorate.

One day, Jon and I were talking about the new video that was put out by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, titled, He Is The Gift. We had both watched it, separately, and had both been touched by the Spirit. We had been discussing our situation of not having children during the holidays or even the thought of a baby. Jon said something to me that I will never forget. He told me that we do have a baby on Christmas. The gift of that baby was from Heavenly Father and that baby who was given to us is our Savior, Jesus Christ. We have all been given that same gift. He reminded me that we are given this baby every single year on Christmas. It may not be the baby we had hoped for, but it is still a baby. It may not be one that we can hold and snuggle and care for, but we can still strive to make ourselves worthy of His love and blessings.

After that discussion, I have looked at Christmas in a completely different light. Christmas isn't about wrapped gifts under the tree, Christmas lights, stockings, neighbor gifts, edible goodies, etc. Christmas is about the gift of Christ and His love, sacrifice, and example. We have been given the most incredible gift and I hope to never take it for granted. Heavenly Father loved us enough to send His only Son. I don't believe that there are any gifts that can top that. What a blessing for us to remember. 

As Ebeneezer Scrooge said: "I will keep Christmas in my heart and throughout all the year."

Here is the link to this heartwarming video:

He Is The Gift

Feeling Blessed

I am feeling extremely blessed today. When we are going through trials and hard times, it is hard to recognize the things that we have been blessed with. Even if they are just little things.

Recently, Jon has lost his job and is now looking for another one. We have experienced many different levels of anxiety and worry but for some reason, we know we will be ok and everything will work out. That is just one trial among many.

Why do I feel blessed? Well, here is why:

I received a very kind email from our bishopric letting us know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and if we are need to not hesitate to ask.

I went outside on my lunch today to find that a sweet friend stopped by to weed my flower beds which desperately needed to be taken care of.

I have a friend who whisked myself and a few other friends on a weekend retreat to get away from our chaotic lives.

I am married to an amazing man who although is unemployed at the time, has found ways to keep himself distracted by finding things around the house that have needed to be taken care of and has also been very helpful.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who I know I can call and vent to whenever it's needed. And I know they will always have my back.

I am blessed with a supportive family who loves us and is always there to cheer us up.

I have a home, job, food, transportation, and all the other daily luxuries that we tend to take for granted.

I have a wonderful calling in our church as Primary President to preside over the young children of our ward. No matter how bad my week is, they always put a smile on my face and help me remember why my calling is so awesome. I also work with 3 fabulous women who keep me on my toes and bring so much to our presidency.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know, without a doubt, that He is my Savior. That He died for me, atoned for my sins, and took upon Himself all my burdens and trials. I know that with Him, we will make it through this difficult time. I am grateful for the faith that I have and the knowledge of knowing that as long as we do what the Lord requires of us, we will be blessed and He will take care of our needs. 

These are the reasons I am feeling blessed. Some are small and some are big. But they are all blessings. I have been reminded that I am loved and that I am not alone.