Cancer and The Gospel

It has been a little over a year since I have last posted and it has been a crazy year! I have traveled back to California numerous times to visit my mom an dad during my mom's cancer treatments. She had been doing well with treatment until August 2015 when another form of breast cancer was found despite chemo and radiation.

She underwent yet another surgery and started chemo again but at a much more aggressive approach due to the high risk of the 2nd cancer coming back.

I had the opportunity to visit with mom and dad over Thanksgiving 2015 before she started her next round of treatment. We had no idea how taxing this 2nd round would be on her body.

Two months later, our family's world changed forever......

On January 29th, my mother passed away peacefully after a week of being in the hospital due to her body going into septic shock. Her body fought hard, but she had decided she was ready to go. Ready to reunite with her mom and dad and her darling daughter Allison.

My father, siblings, and I had the chance to be with her in that last week, even though she was lucid for only a few days. We were able to talk to her, share stories of her grandson, sit with her, and witness tender moments between her and my father. 

A few days before she passed, we had the opportunity to have a family prayer where each of us said a prayer and thank and plead to Heavenly Father to grant his will and that we would be able to accept it.

She told us she loved us, hugged us as well as she could while hooked up to several monitors, and kept her sense of humor to the end.

The last few days, the Spirit was very strong. I think I knew it was her time yet still struggled, and still do, to accept it.

A night or two before she passed, her bishop came to visit and as he was looking at her, she looked to the side of him and kept staring. My first thought was that there was someone there in the room to see her. Who it was, I have no idea. But there was a visitor ready to take her.

We had a beautiful service for her in California where we had the most amazing support from family and friends. And come this summer, we will prepare to lay her in her final resting spot.

I still can't believe it has already been a month since my mom has graduated from this life and is now an angel watching over me. However, I have learned a lot over the last few weeks or so......

The gospel of Jesus Christ and His love for us is real. Heavenly Father hears our prayers and answers them. Maybe not in the way that we would prefer, but He knows what the best answer is. 

Family is everything. Families are eternal and I am so grateful for this knowledge and blessing. Because of this, I know I will see my mother again. I love my brother and sister and my dad. I love that they are my family and that this is the family I was meant to be a part of.

I am grateful for wonderful friends and extended family and how much love and support they showed us and are still showing us during this time. Friends are so special and know when to lift you up when you need it most.

Heavenly Father has his own time line that doesn't necessarily match up with ours. But I have the faith and continue to ask for the faith that He knows what is best for us to grow and progress.

I am so incredibly grateful for the testimony that I have for this gospel and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Without, even in the loneliest of times, I know I am not alone. And through the sacrifice of our Savior and His atonement, we can be with our loved ones again.

This is still a grieving process where I have my good days and my not so good days. But I know it will get easier. I know Heavenly Father is with me along with my mother and Savior.

Cancer is a very awful thing and makes it so hard to watch a loved one fight it to the end. But I don't believe my mother lost the battle. She fought hard and won over this earthly life. Death is not the end! I'm proud of her. She will forever be my hero.

My Mother is Brave

Fellow readers....On September 4th, my mom told my siblings and I that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were in shock and had no idea where this was headed. The following days after, I prayed and pondered this diagnosis and had this feeling of peace that everything was going to be ok. Heavenly Father was going to take care of everything. What a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ is!!

On October 13th, my mom has an appointment with UC Davis Cancer Center and met with a surgeon. That visit determined a mastectomy on October 29th, 6-8 weeks of healing, 4-6 months of chemotherapy afterwards, and a possible diagnosis of stage 2 or 3 breast cancer.

After this news, Jon and I both decided I needed to be with my parents for the surgery. I was able to get the time off of work without having to deal with applying for FMLA and I am very blessed to have wonderful in laws who helped me in obtaining a plain ticket.

I flew out to California on Sunday, October 26th the same day as my Primary Program. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I could be with my mom and dad during this time. 

On Monday, October 27th, my mom and I went to UC Davis to meet her surgeon for her Pre-Op appointment where she signed so many release forms that I worried they were going to ask for her first born!! They then discussed the surgery and what to expect after surgery and what she would need to do to help herself get better.

After we left, and we were on our way to lunch, she voiced how scared she was. I can't say that I blamed her. I think I would have been just as scared. I was scared for her!!! So we decided to spend the next few days just focusing on our time together and doing laundry anf grocery shopping.

Mom took me to a few of her favorite places to eat for breakfast and lunch, we did a bunch of shopping, and just enjoyed our time together. 

The night before surgery, her bishop, home teacher, and Relief Society president came over to visit and give her a blessing. My dad gave the most beautiful blessing of peace and calm. The spirit was definitely there. I spoke with her Relief Society president and expressed some of the things that my mom and dad could use help with.

Wednesday, October 29th, we left mom and dad's apartment about 4:45am to be at UC Davis around 5:30am. Surgery scheduled for 7:30am. After mom checked in, they took her back to get prepped for surgery and then brought dad and I back to see her off to surgery.

Surgery lasted for about 3 hours and around 11:30 or so we were able to go into the recovery room and see mom. The doctor talked to us before we went in and explained that he was able to remove the lump, that the lymphnodes showed signs of cancer, but that he was confident he was able to remove all of the cancer. Probably the greatest news we heard all day. He explained that with the cancer being in the lymophnodes, radiation was a possibility after the chemo.

I am not going to lie that being with mom while she was trying to come out of anesthesia was pretty entertaining. Dad and I got a pretty good laugh out of it. And still tease her about some of the things she said. She asked if I filmed it. I told her if she had been getting her wisdom teeth removed, I probably would have. But I didn't feel right about doing that with something this serious.

Mom sat in recovery for over 7 hours due to the fact they couldn't get her blood sugar under control. When they finally got it where they wanted it, they moved her to a room close to 8pm. It was a long day. She was ready to go to sleep and get some much needed rest. Dad and I headed home and immediately went to sleep.

The next day, Thursday, October 30th, dad went to work for a few hours and then in the afternoon went to visit mom. She seemed to be doing pretty good. She had some massagers on her legs to help the blood flow but she was still able to get up and walk around. The nurse showed us how to empty her drains from her incisions.

I'm not going to lie, this part was pretty gross but needed to be done. They had to be emptied about 2-3 times a day and we had to keep record of how much was coming out. After one time of doing this, I pretty much became a pro at it.

After visiting mom on Thursday, dad and I went to lunch and then went to a movie. My dad really likes war movies and they are not everyone's favorite. So I was more than happy to watch Fury with him. It was nice to have some "daddy and Sally time". 

Mom was able to come home on Friday, October 31st. We picked her up and she was more than happy to get home and sleep in her own bed. I was grateful that I was able to stay a few days after she came home. I have to say that she has some great nurses and doctors at UC Davis that took really good care of her. I am so grateful for that.

We got her into somewhat of a routine of emptying her drains, getting her showered, and making her comfortable.We spent Saturday just relaxing, visiting, and watching movies. (When dad wasn't watching BYU football or basketball)

On Sunday, November 2nd, it was time to go home. Leaving was extremely difficult. So much harder than I thought. I didn't like having to leave my mom in the state she was in. But I knew my dad and her ward was going to take really good care of her.

She received the pathology report this last week and was told only one lymphnode had cancer and that the cancer was stage 2 which is incredible news. However, she has to go in sometime in December for a CT Scan as her chest x-ray showed something on her left side. But we will worry about that then.

I am so incredibly proud of my mom. I can not even begin to imagine how terrified and strong she was at the same time. The moment she was diagnosed with cancer, she was determined to battle this head on and that is what she has done. And I know she will continue to fight no matter how hard it gets. She is a fighter and not a quitter. There are not enough adequate words to express how proud I am of my mom's bravery.

This experience has made me stronger in so many ways. It has also helped me reflect on the importance of family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Everything else is just.....trivial. I am so incredibly grateful for the peace and knowledge that I have knowing that no matter what happens in this life, Heavenly Father will take care of us and he will bless us with faith and understanding. I am grateful that I could share this experience with my parents short of going into the operating room. I will never forget this experience and hope that what we can be a support to others around us.

 Balloons from the apartment staff

Flowers from mom's cousin Gloria

Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

Feeling Blessed

I am feeling extremely blessed today. When we are going through trials and hard times, it is hard to recognize the things that we have been blessed with. Even if they are just little things.

Recently, Jon has lost his job and is now looking for another one. We have experienced many different levels of anxiety and worry but for some reason, we know we will be ok and everything will work out. That is just one trial among many.

Why do I feel blessed? Well, here is why:

I received a very kind email from our bishopric letting us know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and if we are need to not hesitate to ask.

I went outside on my lunch today to find that a sweet friend stopped by to weed my flower beds which desperately needed to be taken care of.

I have a friend who whisked myself and a few other friends on a weekend retreat to get away from our chaotic lives.

I am married to an amazing man who although is unemployed at the time, has found ways to keep himself distracted by finding things around the house that have needed to be taken care of and has also been very helpful.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who I know I can call and vent to whenever it's needed. And I know they will always have my back.

I am blessed with a supportive family who loves us and is always there to cheer us up.

I have a home, job, food, transportation, and all the other daily luxuries that we tend to take for granted.

I have a wonderful calling in our church as Primary President to preside over the young children of our ward. No matter how bad my week is, they always put a smile on my face and help me remember why my calling is so awesome. I also work with 3 fabulous women who keep me on my toes and bring so much to our presidency.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know, without a doubt, that He is my Savior. That He died for me, atoned for my sins, and took upon Himself all my burdens and trials. I know that with Him, we will make it through this difficult time. I am grateful for the faith that I have and the knowledge of knowing that as long as we do what the Lord requires of us, we will be blessed and He will take care of our needs. 

These are the reasons I am feeling blessed. Some are small and some are big. But they are all blessings. I have been reminded that I am loved and that I am not alone.

Miami Mormon Reunion

Today, Jon and I had the opportunity to attend a Miami Mormon Reunion. I didn't get to see as many people as I thought, but happy and grateful for the ones that I did get to see.

Some people may not know, but I was born in Utah, we moved to New Jersey when I was about 5, and then to Homestead, Florida when I was about 13. 4 months before Hurricane Andrew. 

Anyway, we made some wonderful friends in both places. My mom has always said that the best place she found to raise her children were in Florida. And she was right. Living so far away from family, our ward and stake became our family.

A very dear family from our old stake in Miami, Michael Fierro, put together this little reunion and invited anyone who could come. I guess they had been doing this for the last few years. But I am so glad I was able to go this year. I was able to introduce Jon to my former Stake President, Michael Madsen, from my adolescent years who was by far the best Stake President I have ever had. One of my former camp and Young Women leaders, Annette Fierro, who I absolutely adored. And a few friends, Angie Madsen, Dale Robbins, and Alysha Fierro, that I hung out with from the stake.

Mind you, none of us were in the same ward, but we were still family. We played games and ate food and just had fun. We talked about Young Women's camp and how Michael F and my Dad were the Priesthood leaders over camp. We talked about how they liked to torment us but always in good fun. We talked about different people in the wards and Stake and what they were doing and how their lives had changed. We laughed together and cried together. It was probably one of the best days I have had in a long time.

Another fun part was reconnecting with a family that we knew in New Jersey who moved to Florida about a year after I was married and happened to move into the same Stake as well.

Nancy and Frank Chavez

They were newly married when we found out we were moving to Florida. While my parents were in Florida looking for a house, this wonderful couple stayed with my siblings and I for about a week. They will forever be known as my New Jersey parents. It was so wonderful to have a chance to catch up with them. I just remember them being one of the neatest couples that we were able to get to know.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with all of these wonderful people today. Like I said, these people were a part of our family. We took care of each other and loved each other. What a wonderful day!!

Miami Mormon Reunion

Hogle Zoo with Owen

On Saturday, Jon and I took our sweet nephew Owen to the zoo. Utah has such a fun zoo called Hogle Zoo. It has been on of my favorite zoos. My mom has been going to this zoo since she was little and every time we made a visit to Utah when I was growing up, we had to to hit the zoo.

Owen came to spend the weekend with us and I decided he was ready to visit the zoo and take up this tradition my mom had started with us.

We arrived pretty early and the first thing Owen saw was the train. He wanted to go on the train so badly but we told him we would do that the very end. So we walked around and saw so many different animals.

We saw zebras, elephants, bears, seals, rhinos, chickens, peacocks, monkeys, lions, tigers, etc., etc.

We watched an elephant show where one elephant painted holding a brush in his trunk and another elephant did a headstand. At the polar bear exhibit, you could stand right at the glass and watch the polar bear come up and look at all the kids and then he would do a backstroke. We could watch this for hours. We also watched the rhinos being fed and watched the seal show.

I was able to convince Owen to ride the carousel and he picked a giraffe to ride on. He actually quite enjoyed it. I also had to get a picture by Leo the Lion. However, Owen wasn't too keen on putting his head in his mouth to get a drink.

The Hogle Zoo now has a splash pad called Lighthouse Point, and I think this was probably one of the highlights of the zoo visit. We let Owen play for at least 20 to 30 minutes until he was completely soaked. But I have never seen such pure joy on a little boys face.

After all the walking around and eating some snacks, it was finally time to ride the train. This kid was so excited to get on this train and waited so patiently in line to board. After we got in the car to go home, Owen's little voice piped up and said "Sally.....I loved the train!"

I am so glad we took him to this fun place and that he has so much fun. We are al exhausted afterwards, but decided it was totally worth it. Thanks Owen to going to the zoo with with us. And thank you to Liz and Scott for sharing this sweet little boy with us.

Just a few more fun pics of this cute little guy:

Where does the time go?

Yesterday, my beautiful niece, Britney, graduated from Highland High School. I can not believe how time has flown!! It feels like yesterday that she was our flower girl when we were married.

Britney and I walking on the temple grounds at the Jordan River Temple.

Britney is the little girl sitting on Jon's lap.

And this is us 16 years later......

 Me, Britney, and Jon

Me and the Brit-Girl!!

I am so proud of this beautiful girl!! She has overcome so much in her life and she is still the most level-headed, fun-loving, sweetest girl. She has turned into a beautiful young woman. She is honest, hardworking, loving, caring, smart, talented, and so many other things. We are so proud to be her aunt and uncle and have enjoyed watching her grow. 

I am the oldest in my family. And when I married Jon, 16 years ago, the only niece at the time on either side was Britney. I quickly fell in love with this little girl and since, have enjoyed many adventures and talks with her. It is hard to imagine that she will be starting at the University of Utah in the fall and that she will be starting a new chapter in her life. 

A few favorites/memories about Britney:

- Her favorite movies when she was little were, The Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, Alice in Wonderland, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

-One of her favorite people was her Grandpa Williams

- Going to the drive-in

- Sleepovers

- Going to the zoo

-Lunch at Hires where she stuffed a whole Oreo cookie in her mouth (she was only 2)

- Going to McDonalds for chicken nuggets and fries

- Getting mani-pedis

And so many more!!

I love this girl with all of my heart!!! I feel in so many ways, that she IS my first kid. And a special thank you to her parents who have shared her with us. 

I can't wait to see what she does next. I know that whatever she puts her mind to, she will succeed. Keep on dreaming, Brit!!

 Our beautiful graduate!

 Daniele, Britney, and Steve

 Howells/Saddlers with Grandma and Grandpa Howell

 Britney with both parents: Annika and Troy Saddler and Daniele and Steve 

Howell

 Britney with Grandma and Grandpa Williams

 The family: Missy, Steve, Britney, Daniele, Mandy, and Braden

Howells/Saddlers