Looking Forward in 2015

It's a new year and I decided to look forward and "try" to not look back.

Yesterday morning, Jon and I discussed what kind of things we wanted to accomplish this year to improve ourselves and our lives. His first response was find a job. Obviously, I want that too. But we also discussed things that would make us happier. Not more money or a bigger house. Just things that would improve our well-being. I know everyone makes resolutions and sometimes, after a month, give up. I wanted to work on things that were more realistic. So, together we came up with a few that we can do as a couple and then I came up with a few of my own.

Together:

- Plan for a family vacation

- Start dating each other again

- Consistent family prayer

- Read together

- Focus on the temple

- Spending more time with our nieces and nephews

Those are just to name a few.

Mine:

- Daily scripture study (whether it's a chapter, whole book, or a verse)

- Eat healthier

- Personal prayer

- Make more time for reading

- Attend the temple

- Exercise more (even if it's just walking)

- Love and be more accepting of myself (strengths and weaknesses)

- Find peace

- Find time for crafting

- Be more forgiving

- Be more present and attentive

- Follow the Spirit

I felt like these were pretty realistic and easy to accomplish if I focused more. They seem like a lot but I feel like some of them will be like killing 2 or 3 birds with one stone. It will take some work and it may not be easy, but I know I can do it. I want to be a better ME and I feel like these are the things I need to work on to do that.

I am not going to lie, 2014 was a rough and stressful year. I want 2015 to be different. I want to find things to look forward to and be more aware of my daily blessings.

I know that this can be a good year. I am positive that this is a year of changes and good things are coming our way. I am also aware that whatever changes come may not necessarily be what we want them to be, but what Heavenly Father wants them to be.

Happy New Years, my friends! May your 2015 be what you make of it!

My Mother is Brave

Fellow readers....On September 4th, my mom told my siblings and I that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were in shock and had no idea where this was headed. The following days after, I prayed and pondered this diagnosis and had this feeling of peace that everything was going to be ok. Heavenly Father was going to take care of everything. What a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ is!!

On October 13th, my mom has an appointment with UC Davis Cancer Center and met with a surgeon. That visit determined a mastectomy on October 29th, 6-8 weeks of healing, 4-6 months of chemotherapy afterwards, and a possible diagnosis of stage 2 or 3 breast cancer.

After this news, Jon and I both decided I needed to be with my parents for the surgery. I was able to get the time off of work without having to deal with applying for FMLA and I am very blessed to have wonderful in laws who helped me in obtaining a plain ticket.

I flew out to California on Sunday, October 26th the same day as my Primary Program. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I could be with my mom and dad during this time. 

On Monday, October 27th, my mom and I went to UC Davis to meet her surgeon for her Pre-Op appointment where she signed so many release forms that I worried they were going to ask for her first born!! They then discussed the surgery and what to expect after surgery and what she would need to do to help herself get better.

After we left, and we were on our way to lunch, she voiced how scared she was. I can't say that I blamed her. I think I would have been just as scared. I was scared for her!!! So we decided to spend the next few days just focusing on our time together and doing laundry anf grocery shopping.

Mom took me to a few of her favorite places to eat for breakfast and lunch, we did a bunch of shopping, and just enjoyed our time together. 

The night before surgery, her bishop, home teacher, and Relief Society president came over to visit and give her a blessing. My dad gave the most beautiful blessing of peace and calm. The spirit was definitely there. I spoke with her Relief Society president and expressed some of the things that my mom and dad could use help with.

Wednesday, October 29th, we left mom and dad's apartment about 4:45am to be at UC Davis around 5:30am. Surgery scheduled for 7:30am. After mom checked in, they took her back to get prepped for surgery and then brought dad and I back to see her off to surgery.

Surgery lasted for about 3 hours and around 11:30 or so we were able to go into the recovery room and see mom. The doctor talked to us before we went in and explained that he was able to remove the lump, that the lymphnodes showed signs of cancer, but that he was confident he was able to remove all of the cancer. Probably the greatest news we heard all day. He explained that with the cancer being in the lymophnodes, radiation was a possibility after the chemo.

I am not going to lie that being with mom while she was trying to come out of anesthesia was pretty entertaining. Dad and I got a pretty good laugh out of it. And still tease her about some of the things she said. She asked if I filmed it. I told her if she had been getting her wisdom teeth removed, I probably would have. But I didn't feel right about doing that with something this serious.

Mom sat in recovery for over 7 hours due to the fact they couldn't get her blood sugar under control. When they finally got it where they wanted it, they moved her to a room close to 8pm. It was a long day. She was ready to go to sleep and get some much needed rest. Dad and I headed home and immediately went to sleep.

The next day, Thursday, October 30th, dad went to work for a few hours and then in the afternoon went to visit mom. She seemed to be doing pretty good. She had some massagers on her legs to help the blood flow but she was still able to get up and walk around. The nurse showed us how to empty her drains from her incisions.

I'm not going to lie, this part was pretty gross but needed to be done. They had to be emptied about 2-3 times a day and we had to keep record of how much was coming out. After one time of doing this, I pretty much became a pro at it.

After visiting mom on Thursday, dad and I went to lunch and then went to a movie. My dad really likes war movies and they are not everyone's favorite. So I was more than happy to watch Fury with him. It was nice to have some "daddy and Sally time". 

Mom was able to come home on Friday, October 31st. We picked her up and she was more than happy to get home and sleep in her own bed. I was grateful that I was able to stay a few days after she came home. I have to say that she has some great nurses and doctors at UC Davis that took really good care of her. I am so grateful for that.

We got her into somewhat of a routine of emptying her drains, getting her showered, and making her comfortable.We spent Saturday just relaxing, visiting, and watching movies. (When dad wasn't watching BYU football or basketball)

On Sunday, November 2nd, it was time to go home. Leaving was extremely difficult. So much harder than I thought. I didn't like having to leave my mom in the state she was in. But I knew my dad and her ward was going to take really good care of her.

She received the pathology report this last week and was told only one lymphnode had cancer and that the cancer was stage 2 which is incredible news. However, she has to go in sometime in December for a CT Scan as her chest x-ray showed something on her left side. But we will worry about that then.

I am so incredibly proud of my mom. I can not even begin to imagine how terrified and strong she was at the same time. The moment she was diagnosed with cancer, she was determined to battle this head on and that is what she has done. And I know she will continue to fight no matter how hard it gets. She is a fighter and not a quitter. There are not enough adequate words to express how proud I am of my mom's bravery.

This experience has made me stronger in so many ways. It has also helped me reflect on the importance of family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Everything else is just.....trivial. I am so incredibly grateful for the peace and knowledge that I have knowing that no matter what happens in this life, Heavenly Father will take care of us and he will bless us with faith and understanding. I am grateful that I could share this experience with my parents short of going into the operating room. I will never forget this experience and hope that what we can be a support to others around us.

 Balloons from the apartment staff

Flowers from mom's cousin Gloria

Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

Feeling Blessed

I am feeling extremely blessed today. When we are going through trials and hard times, it is hard to recognize the things that we have been blessed with. Even if they are just little things.

Recently, Jon has lost his job and is now looking for another one. We have experienced many different levels of anxiety and worry but for some reason, we know we will be ok and everything will work out. That is just one trial among many.

Why do I feel blessed? Well, here is why:

I received a very kind email from our bishopric letting us know that we are in their thoughts and prayers and if we are need to not hesitate to ask.

I went outside on my lunch today to find that a sweet friend stopped by to weed my flower beds which desperately needed to be taken care of.

I have a friend who whisked myself and a few other friends on a weekend retreat to get away from our chaotic lives.

I am married to an amazing man who although is unemployed at the time, has found ways to keep himself distracted by finding things around the house that have needed to be taken care of and has also been very helpful.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who I know I can call and vent to whenever it's needed. And I know they will always have my back.

I am blessed with a supportive family who loves us and is always there to cheer us up.

I have a home, job, food, transportation, and all the other daily luxuries that we tend to take for granted.

I have a wonderful calling in our church as Primary President to preside over the young children of our ward. No matter how bad my week is, they always put a smile on my face and help me remember why my calling is so awesome. I also work with 3 fabulous women who keep me on my toes and bring so much to our presidency.

I am blessed to have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to know, without a doubt, that He is my Savior. That He died for me, atoned for my sins, and took upon Himself all my burdens and trials. I know that with Him, we will make it through this difficult time. I am grateful for the faith that I have and the knowledge of knowing that as long as we do what the Lord requires of us, we will be blessed and He will take care of our needs. 

These are the reasons I am feeling blessed. Some are small and some are big. But they are all blessings. I have been reminded that I am loved and that I am not alone.

An Attitude of Gratitude

I have been working on a 40 day conference challenge where I read a conference talk each day. I have loved doing this because I have enjoyed being reminded of the words of our church leaders.

Yesterday I read a the talk "Grateful in Any Circumstance" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He is one of my very favorite speakers and every time I read one of his talks, I can hear him speaking in his German accent in my head. I love it!!

As I reading this talk during the sacrament yesterday, tears came to my eyes. He talks about how we can be grateful no matter what our lives are like at any particular moment. Some might say, "when I overcome this trial, I will be grateful". President Uchtdorf teaches us that this is not the case. Yes, we will be grateful when our trials are over, however, we can still find reasons to be grateful through the trial.

Life is hard for everyone. We all have our struggles. Some of our own doing and some because of the agency of others. Some small and some great. Some that we feel are everlasting and some that are but a small moment. No matter what the struggle is, it is uniquely ours and we must find our own way to overcome.

When we went through 3 rounds of IVF and each one failed, I was devastated. I thought my world was over. I thought there was no use of any more hope. But I eventually found reasons to hope and to have faith. I learned to be grateful for whatever was in my life at that time. One of those things was that I was able to overcome my fear of having my blood drawn. I became such a pro at it that it hardly bothers me.

Our struggle now is the pending layoff of Jon's job and trying to find him a new one. I have always had the feeling that things will work out, but there have been times that have been hard and emotionally draining. But I still know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and will take care of us. 

I believe these are some of the many reasons why this talk speaks so much to me. It reminds me that regardless of my trials, there is always something to be grateful for and that I have been truly blessed more than words can express.

Here are just a few of the things I am grateful for:

- a loving and devoted husband

- the Gospel

- my Savior

- my family

- my friends

- my little dog

- my calling and the opportunity that I have to work with children in my ward

- employment

- a home

- my talents

- my health

And there are so many more.

Because of the Memorial Day holiday, we have a tradition to visit graves of loved ones who have gone before us.

 My Grandpa and Grandma Fenstermaker

 Our nephew Anthony

And my sister Allison

This is something that I am extremely grateful for and reminds me that no matter my circumstances, my family is eternal. What greater blessing is there to have than that?

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?" 

- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf