My Mother is Brave

Fellow readers....On September 4th, my mom told my siblings and I that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were in shock and had no idea where this was headed. The following days after, I prayed and pondered this diagnosis and had this feeling of peace that everything was going to be ok. Heavenly Father was going to take care of everything. What a blessing the Gospel of Jesus Christ is!!

On October 13th, my mom has an appointment with UC Davis Cancer Center and met with a surgeon. That visit determined a mastectomy on October 29th, 6-8 weeks of healing, 4-6 months of chemotherapy afterwards, and a possible diagnosis of stage 2 or 3 breast cancer.

After this news, Jon and I both decided I needed to be with my parents for the surgery. I was able to get the time off of work without having to deal with applying for FMLA and I am very blessed to have wonderful in laws who helped me in obtaining a plain ticket.

I flew out to California on Sunday, October 26th the same day as my Primary Program. I was so happy and felt so blessed that I could be with my mom and dad during this time. 

On Monday, October 27th, my mom and I went to UC Davis to meet her surgeon for her Pre-Op appointment where she signed so many release forms that I worried they were going to ask for her first born!! They then discussed the surgery and what to expect after surgery and what she would need to do to help herself get better.

After we left, and we were on our way to lunch, she voiced how scared she was. I can't say that I blamed her. I think I would have been just as scared. I was scared for her!!! So we decided to spend the next few days just focusing on our time together and doing laundry anf grocery shopping.

Mom took me to a few of her favorite places to eat for breakfast and lunch, we did a bunch of shopping, and just enjoyed our time together. 

The night before surgery, her bishop, home teacher, and Relief Society president came over to visit and give her a blessing. My dad gave the most beautiful blessing of peace and calm. The spirit was definitely there. I spoke with her Relief Society president and expressed some of the things that my mom and dad could use help with.

Wednesday, October 29th, we left mom and dad's apartment about 4:45am to be at UC Davis around 5:30am. Surgery scheduled for 7:30am. After mom checked in, they took her back to get prepped for surgery and then brought dad and I back to see her off to surgery.

Surgery lasted for about 3 hours and around 11:30 or so we were able to go into the recovery room and see mom. The doctor talked to us before we went in and explained that he was able to remove the lump, that the lymphnodes showed signs of cancer, but that he was confident he was able to remove all of the cancer. Probably the greatest news we heard all day. He explained that with the cancer being in the lymophnodes, radiation was a possibility after the chemo.

I am not going to lie that being with mom while she was trying to come out of anesthesia was pretty entertaining. Dad and I got a pretty good laugh out of it. And still tease her about some of the things she said. She asked if I filmed it. I told her if she had been getting her wisdom teeth removed, I probably would have. But I didn't feel right about doing that with something this serious.

Mom sat in recovery for over 7 hours due to the fact they couldn't get her blood sugar under control. When they finally got it where they wanted it, they moved her to a room close to 8pm. It was a long day. She was ready to go to sleep and get some much needed rest. Dad and I headed home and immediately went to sleep.

The next day, Thursday, October 30th, dad went to work for a few hours and then in the afternoon went to visit mom. She seemed to be doing pretty good. She had some massagers on her legs to help the blood flow but she was still able to get up and walk around. The nurse showed us how to empty her drains from her incisions.

I'm not going to lie, this part was pretty gross but needed to be done. They had to be emptied about 2-3 times a day and we had to keep record of how much was coming out. After one time of doing this, I pretty much became a pro at it.

After visiting mom on Thursday, dad and I went to lunch and then went to a movie. My dad really likes war movies and they are not everyone's favorite. So I was more than happy to watch Fury with him. It was nice to have some "daddy and Sally time". 

Mom was able to come home on Friday, October 31st. We picked her up and she was more than happy to get home and sleep in her own bed. I was grateful that I was able to stay a few days after she came home. I have to say that she has some great nurses and doctors at UC Davis that took really good care of her. I am so grateful for that.

We got her into somewhat of a routine of emptying her drains, getting her showered, and making her comfortable.We spent Saturday just relaxing, visiting, and watching movies. (When dad wasn't watching BYU football or basketball)

On Sunday, November 2nd, it was time to go home. Leaving was extremely difficult. So much harder than I thought. I didn't like having to leave my mom in the state she was in. But I knew my dad and her ward was going to take really good care of her.

She received the pathology report this last week and was told only one lymphnode had cancer and that the cancer was stage 2 which is incredible news. However, she has to go in sometime in December for a CT Scan as her chest x-ray showed something on her left side. But we will worry about that then.

I am so incredibly proud of my mom. I can not even begin to imagine how terrified and strong she was at the same time. The moment she was diagnosed with cancer, she was determined to battle this head on and that is what she has done. And I know she will continue to fight no matter how hard it gets. She is a fighter and not a quitter. There are not enough adequate words to express how proud I am of my mom's bravery.

This experience has made me stronger in so many ways. It has also helped me reflect on the importance of family and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Everything else is just.....trivial. I am so incredibly grateful for the peace and knowledge that I have knowing that no matter what happens in this life, Heavenly Father will take care of us and he will bless us with faith and understanding. I am grateful that I could share this experience with my parents short of going into the operating room. I will never forget this experience and hope that what we can be a support to others around us.

 Balloons from the apartment staff

Flowers from mom's cousin Gloria

Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Recently, my mother, was diagnosed with Stage 2-3 breast cancer. This mean that the cancer has spread to her lymphnodes. She will be having surgery to have her lump removed and a possible double masectomy. The size of the lump will determine what stage of cancer she has. She will also be going through chemotherapy for 4 to 6 months. She will get sick, lose her hair, and probably have some really bad days.

I am worried for her and wish that I lived closer. I want to be able to be there for her during her surgery.

However, as I reflect on this situation, and even though I am scared, sad, upset, shocked, and feeling so many other emotions......I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to. My mom is strong and she as a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that she will be blessed and will be watched over. I know that the Lord gives us challenges and trials that are hard and difficult.....but I also know that he gives us the faith and strength and courage and fortitude to fight those challenges and trials. We are never alone and we have to remember that He will always be with us as long as we allow Him to be. What a wonderful knowledge to have!!

Heaven is Everywhere

Sorry....it's a little blurry :-)

I had the opportunity to listen to Stephanie Nielson at BYU Women's Conference this past May. I knew bits and pieces of her story but not the full story. However, what I had heard, did inspire me and how she used her faith to inspire and motivate her healing process. She actually spoke on social media at this conference and not about her crash. I was intrigued, grabbed her book, and waited in line to have her sign it. I actually really enjoyed meeting her and her husband and started following her on Instagram as well as her blog.

When I started reading Heaven is Here, I made the same mistake I most of the time make with a new book: reading the reviews on Goodreads. I scrolled through a couple of pages of reviews and most of them were very negative. And I think it ended up tainting the first part of the book for me. But I wanted to finish it because I wanted to know how she overcame this trial and where she drew her strength from. I read it mostly to gain strength for myself to help me through my personal trials.

So I decided to finish it. And I am really glad that I did. I found her story to be beautiful. I cried through probably the whole thing. I can not even begin to imagine the pain and struggle she underwent those first few months in the burn unit and then when she went home. I could not stop crying when I read about her children visiting her, when she first saw what she looked like, and so many other things that she had to endure. 

What an amazing lady!!! I loved how she drew from her faith, the Primary songs, and prayers to help her through her ordeal. I feel truly inspired and hope that I can do the same to overcome my personal trials and suffering. I know there is no way I could ever compare my trials to hers. However, I feel very inspired by her. By someone who thought her life was over and than found the motivation she needed to start her new life with her family. I am grateful that she had the courage to share her story with the rest of us.

P.S. I think my very favorite part is when she described Heaven as being with the ones that you love.

We Are Enough

I recently read a conference talk by Linda K. Burton, General Relief Society President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The title of this talk was Wanted: Hands and Hearts to Hasten the Work. 

There was a part of this talk that stood out to me. She talked about how we, as woman, can know our divine heritage. She talked about how in the scriptures, a young man had told Jesus that was keeping the commandments but wanted to know what he was still lacking. Jesus explained to this young man that if he would make himself perfect and "come ad follow me", he would know of the treasures of heaven.

Sister Burton stated that the Greek translation of perfect is "complete". She asked us to not beat ourselves up. 

She then stated:

"As we try our best to move forward along the covenant path, we become more complete and perfect in this life."

I went and read this part quite a few times and it just really stuck with me.

This is something that I have been thinking about quite a bit lately as I have visited with friends and listened to their various trials and things that have been hard for them. I then thought about my trials and different things that I have and am still going through that are hard and challenging.

I will admit that I have felt inadequate, less than perfect, etc., etc. I felt my self-worth depleted at times and that there is no way I can go any further. I have felt that no matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough. No matter how hard I try, there will never be a difference.

But then I think about this talk and Sister Burton's wise words. And when I think of these words, I realize that I am still striving to perfection/"completion". It jut takes time.

We, as women, tend to be too hard on ourselves. Some of us are single, married, childless, stay at home mothers, working mothers, etc., etc. We are all in different stages in our lives. Yet, we tend to not only put ourselves down, but we compare ourselves to each other. 

We need to remember that what we are doing now is enough. We ARE enough!!! We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

As someone who has always dreamed of being a mother and a stay at home mom, my life has obviously gone down a different path. I used to feel that I was not good enough and that I didn't "fit in", so to speak. After doing a lot of soul searching and prayer, I realized that I am enough. I am who I am and I am striving to live my life to the best of my ability. I offer as much as I can and realize that what I am able to offer is enough. I have realized that as long as I do my best, I will still be blessed. I will become more complete.

So.....I challenge all who read this to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I am doing the best I can and I am enough." Let's love ourselves and others a little bit better!!

Who We Become

"Who we are is not who we become."

- Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

Yesterday, in an early church meeting, a member made a statement that "trials are for our own good." I have thought a lot about that since yesterday and it has made me think a lot about my trials, past and present, and what I have gained from those trials. Another way of looking at it is going through the "refiner's fire".

I use to hate that phrase, refiner's fire. What does that even mean? I came to understand it after Jon and I experienced 3 rounds of failed IVF. At first, I truly thought I was being punished or that I was damaged. I thought that we were being cursed for something that we did in our past. I became very bitter and dark. I thought the life I had dreamed about was over. However, it took me a while, after that experience,to realize that Heavenly Father was strengthening me through that trial. He was molding me me into the person that I am today.

I wasn't being punished or cursed. I wasn't forgotten or unloved. I learned to realize that Heavenly Father happened to have a different plan for me. He was making me stronger and giving me different experiences so I could grow and progress. It wasn't fun by any means, but it was what had to be done. I was truly going through the "refiner's fire". He had a plan set in motion and He obviously had other things in mind for me to learn and accomplish.

One of the things I have learned through this specific trial is this: It is a part of me but it did not define me.

So often I find myself going through little things and think: This is it. This is my life. But that isn't the case. The fact that I have been unable to have my own children will always be a part of my life but it isn't who I am. It doesn't define me as a person. It is just one of the trials I have had to and still overcome in my life. I still had to choose for myself what I wanted my life to be like despite my trials. However, it doesn't make those trials easier.

Lately I have watched several of my friends and family go through different trials in their lives that have been sad and heartbreaking. If I could tell them one thing to get them through the rough times, it would be this: It is a part of you, but it does not define you.

Heavenly Father wants us to grow and progress. He will continue to mold us until we are who he wants us to be. I truly believe that he will always be with us every step of the way. He will continue to show us that who we are today is not we are to become. I know that this particular trial will always be a struggle for me, but I know with Heavenly Father and the Savior, I can get through it and that it is for my own good.