What Is Our Purpose?

Lately, I have been pondering a lot about my purpose here on this Earth. What exactly is Heavenly Father's plan for me? What is it that he wants me to accomplish? 

I know what I am. I'm a daughter, wife, sister, aunt, friend, and a Child of God. 

But see, I am a 38 year old woman, married 18 years to my best friend and love my life, have done 3 rounds of failed IVF, looked at adoption, and foster care which all didn't quite work out. We are taught, in the Mormon faith, from the age of 12 that we are to get married in the temple to righteous young man and have a family. Well......I did the temple part.

As I'm nearing 40, and don't worry.....we haven't taken children out of the picture yet, I still have to wonder my purpose. I'm not really a mom, in the physical sense. I do have a little dog so that kind of counts and 5 babies in heaven. But if there are not to be anymore options for children, I have to look at my life in a different way and look down a different path. (Again, that door hasn't closed yet)

A friend of mine and I were discussing this the other night and she had a lot of good thought and insight given my situation. I really did appreciate what she had to say and I really loved her perspective. 

However, later that night, I read a post on social media that really upset me. It was a post on infertility which was fine and it was a very open post. But then......there was a statement that stated "a woman's SOLE and ONLY purpose on this Earth is to bare children". This took me back. It kind of shook me to my core and knocked me down. And all I could think was.......What about me? We've tried that and it hasn't worked. And it wasn't just because of my health problems. It also stated that you have to be "mentally, physically, and spiritually prepared". Well.....we were! We had faith that could move mountains! We worked hard to be healthy, mentally, and spiritually prepared and it still didn't work. So do I not even have a purpose because I'm broken?

As I read this post, I wrote out comments and deleted them. I know this post wasn't directed at me. This individual was sharing their story and experience. But it still came across as very bold and direct and almost.....judgemental.

As I laid in bed after reading this post, I really thought about it and about why we are here on this Earth. Why Heavenly Father created this plan for us. Why did we come to this place knowing all the trials and challenges and demons we would face. Why in the world would I even want to live such a painful yet joyous life?

Because I said I would. Plain and simple. I knew the consequences and the challenges and I still said YES. I said give me everything you've got and I will persevere because I knew there would be plan for me to return. No matter how difficult things would get, there would be the Savior and His Atonement. 

So here's the deal.......we each have our own path to follow. Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and He knows what He is doing. He can see the big picture when we we can just see a tiny scene.

So, maybe I don't know my purpose yet. But it's ok because I know that HE knows and as long as I have faith and continue to follow Him......and it won't always be easy, so I've learned........He will help me through.

Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness: Our Story

October 15th is Infancy and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I really didn't know about this day until last year when my sister in-law had a family gathering to honor her baby that she lost 10 months earlier. She offered to honor our babies that we had lost through IVF. It was then that I realized that I needed to honor those babies even though we were never able to meet them.

When Jon and I were first engaged and talking about our future, he told me he wanted 11 boys. He wanted his own football team!! At that point, I told him we may have to join a polygamist colony because there was no way on earth I was having that many kids. Now.....if I could go back to that moment, I would have said that I would have as many kids that Heavenly Father was willing to bless us with.

Fast forward to about 10 years....We had been trying to add to our family with no success. We went through tests and I tried various medications to no avail. We were finally referred to a specialist who told us tat the only way we would have children biologically was through IVF. I was heartbroken and became bitter.

As many people may or may not know, IVF is extremely expensive, not covered by most insurances, and it is physically and emotionally taxing. I flat out refused to do IVF. It wasn't fair that we had go through so much to have a baby when so many people around us were able to get pregnant so easily.

In 2009, we became good friends with a couple who were struggling to add to their family as well. They ad gone through IVF and she was willing to sit with me and answer my countless questions about the process. I was still scared and hesitant to try this process. One reason because you have give yourself shots and I loathe needles. The other was the cost. But as this sweet friend reminded me, Heavenly Father always provides a way.

April of 2010, we started our journey of IVF. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. We started with all of the preliminary testing. In July/August of 2010, we started our first cycle. This consists of shots and blood work and ultrasounds every other day. The doctor had to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. It was super uncomfortable. About a week or so later, the day of egg retrieval came. It is not very fun but at least I was knocked out. The eggs are then fertilized via ICSI and then we wait. Out of this cycle, we ended up with 3 good eggs. 3 days later, we were called in for the transfer. They transferred 2 eggs and put the 3rd in a tube to be frozen for later. I was sent home and scheduled to go back to weeks later for a blood test.

Everything was good to go. I rested and relaxed and tried not stress. However, during week two, I started bleeding and I seriously thought I was going to die. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I still kept my faith.

When we went in for our blood test, it came back negative. The procedure didn't work. We were at church when we got the call and I will never forget where I was sitting and what I was doing at that time.

We turned bitter and became depressed. It was most heartbreaking experience we ever had. However, we pushed forward and tried to make the most of our trial. We had a wonderful bishop who would come over and cry with us. The support we felt after this experience was truly amazing.

In March of 2011, we decided to try again with our frozen embryo. This process was not as taxing. Mostly oral medications and visits tot he reproductive endocrinologist. They day of the transfer, we waited and waited for the office to call us to come in. We finally received a call from my doctor and I knew something was wrong. The cryogenic tube that housed our embryo had a defect and our embryo died. I was devastated!!! This was not making any sense to me. Why would we have that 3rd embryo just to have it die??? The doctor was very compassionate and kind and offered to apply all the money for our frozen cycle to another fresh cycle. Jon and I talked it over and decided to try a third time.

April/May of 2011, we started our 3rd and final journey of IVF. We did the shots, the visits, blood work, retrieval, transfer, bed rest, etc. During week two, I bled again and the ending result was the same......the procedure didn't take. I was numb. I didn't even deal with it. I went about my life like nothing happened which was a horrible mistake.

About a year later, I had a nervous breakdown and was ordered off of work for a month and to seek counseling. That time was exactly what I needed. It gave me the chance to reconnect with my Heavenly Father, read my scriptures, reflect on our life and where we were going next. I was forced to realize that what I had experienced was not small thing. I had experienced a loss 3 times over. My faith and my testimony was tested. I realized that I had the right to grieve and to cry because what had happened was real.

This was four years ago, and I know I have grown from this. Some may ask how I can call this experience a pregnancy loss. I'll tell you......I saw those living embryos. They were alive and moving. They were real. We were given pictures from our 1st and 3rd IVF. How many parents can say that they saw their baby from the very start. No I didn't make it past 2 weeks, but I still put my body through extraordinary things and sacrifices to make those little embryos. As a couple, we fertilized 5 embryos!!! We were never able to do that on our own.

Where am I at now: I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband and family. I have great friends who are supportive. I have wonderful calling to work with the children of our ward every week. I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have a better understanding of the Atonement and of His sacrifice. I know that one day I will be a mom. And as heartbreaking as our IVF experience was, I wouldn't take it back. It helped make me who I am today. I am different person today because of this experience, but that's ok. 

I still have my moments of grief and sadness, but I have realized that it is ok to have those moments. It is ok to feel those feelings. I know that Heavenly Father is carrying me and that I will be ok.

Pic of our embryos from our 3rd cycle

My beautiful necklaces. Mommy to Snowflakes and my nest of eggs.

My Mother's Day flowers from some sweet friend. One for each baby.

 Our ornaments to represent each IVF baby

Wave of Light: 6 candles one for each of our IVF babies and for out nephew, Anthony Jay Howell

Who We Become

"Who we are is not who we become."

- Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

Yesterday, in an early church meeting, a member made a statement that "trials are for our own good." I have thought a lot about that since yesterday and it has made me think a lot about my trials, past and present, and what I have gained from those trials. Another way of looking at it is going through the "refiner's fire".

I use to hate that phrase, refiner's fire. What does that even mean? I came to understand it after Jon and I experienced 3 rounds of failed IVF. At first, I truly thought I was being punished or that I was damaged. I thought that we were being cursed for something that we did in our past. I became very bitter and dark. I thought the life I had dreamed about was over. However, it took me a while, after that experience,to realize that Heavenly Father was strengthening me through that trial. He was molding me me into the person that I am today.

I wasn't being punished or cursed. I wasn't forgotten or unloved. I learned to realize that Heavenly Father happened to have a different plan for me. He was making me stronger and giving me different experiences so I could grow and progress. It wasn't fun by any means, but it was what had to be done. I was truly going through the "refiner's fire". He had a plan set in motion and He obviously had other things in mind for me to learn and accomplish.

One of the things I have learned through this specific trial is this: It is a part of me but it did not define me.

So often I find myself going through little things and think: This is it. This is my life. But that isn't the case. The fact that I have been unable to have my own children will always be a part of my life but it isn't who I am. It doesn't define me as a person. It is just one of the trials I have had to and still overcome in my life. I still had to choose for myself what I wanted my life to be like despite my trials. However, it doesn't make those trials easier.

Lately I have watched several of my friends and family go through different trials in their lives that have been sad and heartbreaking. If I could tell them one thing to get them through the rough times, it would be this: It is a part of you, but it does not define you.

Heavenly Father wants us to grow and progress. He will continue to mold us until we are who he wants us to be. I truly believe that he will always be with us every step of the way. He will continue to show us that who we are today is not we are to become. I know that this particular trial will always be a struggle for me, but I know with Heavenly Father and the Savior, I can get through it and that it is for my own good.

Mother's Day (The opinion of an infertile and childless woman)

So.....I am not a fan of Mother's Day. It is actually my least favorite holiday. Going to church, listening to talks about motherhood, listening to the Primary children sing to their mothers. Having to stand up and be recognized and then get a little treat. At least this year it wasn't an indoor plant that will most likely die by tomorrow. All the moms walking around talking about what their children did for them. The homemade gifts. If you haven't guessed by now, I really do not enjoy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is just a hard day for me. It is another reminder that I do not have children. That I am not a mother and I don't have a bunch of littles calling me "Mommy". I went to church today, listened to my Primary children sing to their moms, and then did two hours of sharing time where I helped these children make gifts for their moms. I was happy to do it!! I love these children. They are the highlight of my week!! However, when I came home after 4 hours of church, I was emotionally spent. I sat down in my living room and just started crying. I came home to my loving husband and sweet little dog. But now children. No homemade cards or gifts. No breakfast in bed or flowers. It was pretty lonely. It makes me sad inside. It hurts my heart and it feels like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces all over again.

This Mother's Day, however, was a little bit easier. I already had the mind set that i was going to be focusing on others instead of myself which always seems to make our trials a little easier to bear. A friend at church told me she wasn't going to come to church today, but when she saw that I was, even after all that we have been through, she decided she could do it too. That made me feel so good inside!! And made me feel like I was making a difference. Yesterday, I received a card in the mail form my sister in law with pictures of my sweet nephews and letting me know how much they loved me. I was so touched. I received numerous texts throughout the day letting me know that I was loved and that I was supported.

But the best surprise of all was after church. As I said, when I came home, I was in the middle of my emotional breakdown when the doorbell rang. My first thought was that I didn't want to see anyone but my husband will welcome anyone in. Coming down the hallway were two of my dear friends carrying 5 plants. One for each of my babies. I broke down right then and there. They told me these flowers would come up each year and I could be reminded each year that I was still, indeed, a mother and that I will always remembered. Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for these thoughtful friends. On a day where I see so many of my friends remembered for their sacrifice and selflessness, I feel kind of lost in the shuffle. These amazing friends proved to me otherwise.

I still don't enjoy Mother's Day and this will still be a hard day for me in the coming years. However, there are things about Mother's Day that I do love:

- I have several friends who are amazing mothers and are incredible examples to me. They still struggle and have their hard time, but they still do their best.
- I am reminded that I have been blessed with an incredible mother who has taught me to be selfless, giving, loving, and nurturing.
- I have been blessed with a mother in law who raised a boy into a wonderful man. Had she not done that, I would not have my husband.
- I am reminded that even though I struggle with this day, I have an incredible support system.
- I may not have my own children, but I have 44+ kids that I have the opportunity to nurture and love and teach every week. What a wonderful blessing!

On the hardest day of the year, I am still truly and eternally grateful for my Father in Heaven. I may not have been blessed with the desires of my heart at this time, but I do know one thing......that he loves me. He knows my heart and he knows how to strengthen me when I need it most. I am grateful for my faith and knowledge that if not in the life, but the next, I will be able to raise my children. I cannot even imagine what my life would be like without this knowledge.